I Love School

So here I am back at school at the most populated place on the face of the earth. Rexburg, Idaho. This will by my... about my seventh semester? It's hard to say because technically I should be a senior, but I have taken it very slow and you know. Got "delayed" for a bit. So lets just say I have about two years left.

Photo Credit: BYU-Idaho Ambassadors (aka... Google)

I have finally decided on a major and even a minor! I am going to go into Communications with a minor in Clothing Construction. I have finally found a drive for school and am so excited to be a student learning. Where that was all along, I don't know. But as long as I have it I am going to push on through. Who knows, maybe I'll go back to school after I get my bachelors or even continue on and get a masters. 

Last two semesters I have enjoyed and done really well in my classes. (Minus my math class which was the bane of my existence. I'm just glad I passed. Now I never have to take it again!) I got some really good feedback from my professors and some recommendations for internships. That was an amazing feeling just to know that I was doing good in something and that I could have a real talent for a communications career. 

This semester my classes are looking really good too. I think it helps to finally have your mind made up with what you want to do instead of sitting in general classes and worrying about what to do with all of them. I am taking Mass Media and Society, Visual Media, Family Foundations, Fitness for Life, and Textiles. I was also taking Fashion Design and Merchandising, but it would have been a bit too much as Visual Media is going to take up a lot of my time and I want to do well in my classes. So I'll just take it a different semester. 

I was looking at my degree audit this morning and I discovered that I am only a few credits away from being completely done with all of my foundation courses which is basically equivalent to an associates. I am so excited! Those classes are very tedious at times, and frankly kind of boring. Plus they don't transfer to other universities as easily so that will be nice to get them out of the way if I decide to transfer.

 My goal is to get at least a 3.5 this semester. Hopefully it will happen. I am very excited for this semester and look forward to doing homework and to continuing my education.

Thumbs up to BYU-Idaho and the chilly months ahead.

A Year Off

I'm trying to think of where to start... After taking basically a year off of blogging it is hard to think of where to catch up. I guess I'll start with the reasons for why I took a break.

One of the biggest reasons is that the recovery process is very long and complicated. It takes about two years to feel almost normal again, and even then you still aren't normal. Cancer changes you in so many ways than just being bald. It changes you physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I didn't really know who I was anymore when I reentered society. I had become socially awkward and more reserved. This was very different than from the person I was before I got sick. I had been a crazy, vivacious girl who loved being in social settings. Now I felt awkward, self conscious and shy. It was very difficult to handle at times.

Chemotherapy had also taken a toll on my body in ways that are very hard to explain. The steroids had caused me to gain an enormous amount of weight and caused my body to become weak. I lost all muscle strength and was not able to be as active as I had always been. This was very frustrating as I have always loved playing soccer and doing other activities. Now those things I loved were not as easy as they had been. I was essentially starting at zero.

Sadly another reason for my absence was the fear of what others thought of me. I had some experiences when I went back to school that shook me greatly. Essentially some of the things I was told was that talking about my experience with cancer was annoying and a bad thing. These people made it seem as though it was my fault that I got sick and that I was trying to elevate myself because of it. This and other things that they said made it very hard to handle in trying to find myself again. Being the person that I am I always try to make people feel good and try not to offend them. So I stopped talking about it. Sometimes the words of people hurt so much that eats inside of you until you feel so insecure that you don't know what to do.

I shouldn't have let what others thought about me dictate what I did. Just because those people were cruel and selfish didn't mean anything about me. Everyone is different and those who choose to not be kind are doing themselves a great disservice. I think they said those mean things because they didn't fully know how to handle helping someone who had just beaten cancer. It's not a common thing in a younger age group to have people your age go through cancer. Now I know it was because they were only feeling threatened because of their own insecurities. That's okay though. I am finally coming to a point where I can forgive them for making me feel so bad about myself. They didn't know any better. All I can do is do as the Savior did and forgive. I don't have to forget, but I can learn from this experience and have it help me from now on.

I also had to deal with comparing myself to others. Everyone else my age was off doing things that I had always wanted to do. Getting married, discovering the world, having babies and graduating from college. I felt as though I was a step behind and as though I was missing something. Now I realize that everyone is different. I shouldn't compare myself to others situations as everyones is very different.

Because of these reasons I withdrew from the world basically. I have been on a journey of trying to find and recreate myself. I don't know if I went about it in the right way, but I think that now I am able to talk about it. I still am a little afraid of what people think, but I think that it will help me to understand everything more. Life after cancer is difficult and in a time of my life where I am figuring out what to do with my future, I feel as though I need to talk about it, and blogging is one way I can do that. I think it will help me and maybe help others as well.

It isn't necessary for me to hide anymore. It wasn't then either, but it still is a struggle to talk about. I have come to the realization that life is about living and not being afraid of the world or what others think. I don't need to pretend that having cancer never happened. Cancer was a great struggle and trial, but it also made me a better person and has been a small blessing in some cases. I am grateful for the challenge that Heavenly Father gave me because it allowed me to come closer to Him and Christ. My goal is to use all of the knowledge that I learned to help others and to become the best person that I can be.

Growing up my family has had only a few rules that we often had to recite when we broke them.

We Talk

We Share

We don't Fight

We Respect Ourselves and Others

We Do the Things that Make Us Stronger Physically, Mentally and Spiritually

Now that I am older I can see how they were not just something to recite in the heat of the moment, but something that would help us grow and develop into becoming good people. Now I more fully understand how I can use these as tools to become the best me as possible.

So here's to a new year full of new opportunities, learning experiences and continuing a journey of more self discovery. I hope that I can become the best that I can be and continue learning about living after cancer.

Back to Business.

So I have been very bad about keeping up on my blog this year. As in only having a few posts. I am going to try and get back into it. I think it was a very good thing for me to do while I was sick. I think I'll start up again with it being one of my goals for this coming year. I can explain later about my absence from blogging, but for now I think I'll just post this to hold myself accountable for making this goal instead of just forgetting about it and pretending. I think I may reformat the design and come up with some topics to start back up again, but it will happen. So if anyone has any suggestions or requests please let me know.

I Rachel Ann Fischer hereby solemnly swear to start blogging frequently again.

And if it doesn't, feel free to kick me in the bum. Just not too hard...

Okay, here I go. Wish me luck. Welcome back to the blogging world Rachel.

Had vs. Have

I got a call a few weeks ago that said I had no-let me repeat NO cancer in my body. Can you believe it?! Let me say that many a happy dance and joyous singing happened. It is an amazing feeling to know that I have beaten the Big C. I am planning on having a victory party soon. My plans are to get flesh colored balloons and paint faces on them. Get it? Little baldies hanging out. And then we'll have a cake in either the shape of a lymph node or a huge C, and also cup cakes that are either going to be cells or chemo cakes. We haven't decided. Then my friend suggested that I get a piñata in the shape of a C and beat it so we can all "beat cancer." Ha, it made me laugh really hard when he suggested that. 

I was reading over my blog the other day and it is just so surreal that I actually had cancer. Holy cow, I had cancer! But now I can say that I had cancer. I feel so blessed. I am so grateful to all my friends, family, and Heavenly Father for helping me get through my sick time. I have grown so much learned even more. Thank you to everyone for your love and support during my difficult time. I couldn't have done it without you! XOXO!

Now for the thing I have been dying to say for 10 months.... Remember when I would say I have Cancer, Cancer doesn't have me? Well, now I can officially say... (drumroll please...)

I had cancer... 
Cancer didn't have me!

Can I get a what what?! Hoorah! I am cancer free!!

I've Got a Pretty Winter Coat

Oh so Rachel is back is she? Well lets see what she looks like shall we? Does she have hair? Is she pretty? Is she still adorably fun and quirky? Why yes, yes she is! Are you ready for this?! 

BEHOLD! The new and improved CANCER FREE Rachel Ann Fischer!!!

So do you like my cute little pixie? I do. I like the fact that I don't look like a
balding boy anymore. People keep telling me that they love my haircut and that
I can totally rock it. What can I say? I do look pretty cute! 

What would this blog be without a goofy picture of yours truly?
Do you remember that cute adorable kind girl who sent me flowers?
Well here she is! She had a plaid party and it was super fun. (Camille forgot to wear plaid.
That party pooper. Oh well.  Every party needs one. I still love her.)

Isn't my winter coat so lovely?! I quite enjoy having hair on the top of my head again. It looks even better than I could have imagined. Also, it is darker and curlier than before. Observe:

I saved my old hair when it started falling out and we had to cut it.
(It's sentimental, not gross.) But you really can see the difference. And my hair looks even darker than that now! Basically I got an internal perm and dye job.

See how crazy that change is?! It is a whole new hairy adventure. It is really fun to style. Sometimes I fauxhawk it or do wolverine style. But mostly just push it to the side or wear a head band. I'm glad that the pixie cut is in style right now. I really like having my head warm and not having to worry about getting a winter chill.

I'm Back!

Once upon a time Rachel Ann was an avid blogger. But is she now? Sadly the answer is no. I feel like I have a lot of posts that say that... Whoops! My bad. Technically it isn't my fault. Okay, it is. But I have good excuses for my absence. The main one is...Are you ready for this? You better be... I am back at the Y of I! Oooh yeah. I'm back in Rexburg going to school! I am so excited. I cannot express how grateful I am to be back at school. It is a wonderful feeling. I am only taking 9 credits (wa wa wa) but it is okay. I was taking more but holy cow Little Miss Survivor here couldn't handle that. My body is still way out of it and recuperating. So instead of struggling and having a crappy GPA and being über stressed I decided to take a lighter load. I feel sort of stupid but it's okay. I am doing what is best for me.

With that I am also living at a brand new place with brand new roommates. I was really worried that I would have crazy roommates and not have a good experience but oh was I wrong! Holy cow I love them! They are so much fun and so kind. The feeling in our apartment is amazing. I quite enjoy living with them. Take a gander below. You can get a little glimpse into our apartment life...

This is us! Aren't we so darn adorable? Yes, the answer is yes.

See how fun we are?! I love us. 

I was worried I would be too goofy for my roommates. Oh, was I wrong. We are the goof troupe.

I truly do believe that I was put with this apartment for a reason. They are so amazing and I feel very blessed to be with them. Especially to have for an amazing room-roommate. She just returned from her mission and she is so much fun. She is just as goofy as me and such a wonderful lady. We have a lot of fun together and get along really well. So basically my roommates are amazing....

Going along with my absence I must inform you that Skyler and I are no longer together. It was a very painful decision but we have decided to no longer be engaged. But at this time it feels like the right thing to do. I know that Heavenly Father is with us. I am very grateful to Sky and all he has done for me and for the chance to be with him. He is an amazing young man. No matter what happens in our futures I will always love him and love what he has done for me. Thanks to everyone for the love and support you have given us.

For now I am just loving being back to school and getting back to normal. I am feeling very blessed and protected. I know that Heavenly Father is with me. I am so grateful to him and for the knowledge that he exists and that I am his daughter. He has taught me so much and has been with me every step of the way and I have been going forward with faith. I keep seeing small results of the decisions I am making and even though growing up and college can be difficult, I feel like I am being guided and protected.

I feel so blessed to finally  be back in Rexburg going to school. I feel like I am in the place I am supposed to and that Heavenly Father is with me. I am so grateful to him for that. I would not be here with out him. With that knowledge I know that I can do anything as long as I have faith and that he is with me.

First Check Up

My first check up went really well. I did have to get my port flushed, but it wasn't as bad as when I was on chemo. It still made me feel all sick and woozy, but it wasn't aaass bad and disgusting. Still gross, but semi tolerable! Woo hoo for not being as susceptible to nasty saline! And usually I am ridiculously ticklish, so when the doctors come at me with their fingers to give me a physical exam, I curl up in a ball at the lightest touch. Buuuut I didn't even wriggle up into a ball!! Hooorah! Cancer cured my ticklishness... Probably not, but it getting better.

The doctor said I was doing good and that I have to come back in three months. So all is well!! I am just recovering now! You would think that since I am done that I get to be free and be able to be normal, but I have to work back to being normal and I still have dips of feeling icky. But I am getting there!

Continue in Patience

Heavenly Father sure knows how to help his children. This Mormon Message has really given me courage and understanding. And above all, it helps me demonstrate patience in my little predicament of a situation. I know everything will be okay.

Cancer Sucks. Choose Hope.

Have I ever mentioned how much I dislike Cancer? Well I do. Frankly I don't think anyone enjoys it, so I think that we are all in agreement. Cancer Sucks. The fact that is sucks though was no reason for me to give in to my natural man and give up, so what I chose hope.

I firmly believe that choosing to be hopeful helped me when I was sick. I think that it also helped me in my well being and maturity. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say "Me, me, me, I'm so great." I'm just trying to convey a little lesson I learned from this experience.

So basically, I think that deciding to be hopeful helped me with my faith and contributed to how I felt from day to day. It is good to recognize that sometimes things "suck" or are not as much fun, but by recognizing it and then pushing through the suckiness can help you feel better.

I think that these button phrases can apply to anything.

__________________ Sucks, Choose Hope.

It might just help you or someone you know. It did with me.

Furrballicious

So here are two current pictures of what I look like now. Well as of 20 minutes ago. It may be longer now because it is a fast growing machine! No longer am I the adorable bald girl you loved and adored. Now I am the adorable furry girl you love and adore even more than you ever thought you could. I have taken to combing it and pulling it back because it is so tangly and is always in my face. That is kind of annoying I must admit. Ha ha.

Get a good look at that full luscious head of hair!! See the soft sparkle and shine? Oh yeah. It is really thick and way dark!! It hasn't shown any signs of being curly, but there it still really early to tell. Doesn't it look good? I have been getting into this habit of twisting little sections between my fingers when I think or when I drive. My uncle told me if I do that then it will become a habit when I have long hair again, so hopefully it won't become a habit. I just like to feel that I have hair again is all.

I hope you enjoyed these pictures as much as I enjoy not being bald. Which is a lot.

Update

Once upon a time I used to be an avid blogger, dedicated to letting the world know about how I was doing with my cancerous life. I formally apologize for the lapse in my bloggage. I assume since you are reading this, that you want to know how I am doing. Well I am doing much better. Not having medicine or radiation in your body sure does make a difference in how you feel. I am slowly recovering from my time as a bald cancerous person.

So here is a little update on my non cancerous life: After finishing my last treatments and being faced with the fact of being free, I found myself feeling like a small little animal left out in the jungle with no one to care for me, frozen and frightened of my future. It truly is a scary thing going from having someone and everyone telling what to do and what not to do, to then not having anyone tell you what to do. Seriously, picture yourself in my position. See? Scary isn't it.

Health wise, I am really weak. Just trying to climb out of being sick and become healthy. I get really tired a lot, and sometimes I have little waves of feeling sick, but it isn't nearly as bad as chemo. (I doubt any sickness I have in the future will be that bad. *knock on wood...) It is really hard to breath sometimes, and I get winded often. But, I am getting better slowly but surely.

For awhile I was a little peeved that my trusted doctors didn't prepare me better for after being sick. But then I realized, it is just their job to get rid of it, not to show me how to live after it. So I am figuring it out for myself. I have started doing the Y-Be-Fit program at BYU, and have gotten a gym pass. Y-Be-Fit is a a program then helps teach you techniques to be more healthy through nutrition and exercise. They motivate, teach, and help you with goals you want to accomplish for optimum health.

So that is where I am at right now. Just trying to become normal. Oh life is still frustrating because I won't know where I am at until my PET scan in December, but I am just trying to be brave and patient, and then I can move on with my life. I have faith that everything will be okay.

Enough of the wa, wa, wa and onto the good stuff. I am going back to school in January!! How great is that?! Of course I am going up while it is Siberian weather, but I am super excited. I even have a 100% in my online science class! Plus I am still working and I just got a second job at the BYU bookstore doing gift wrap, so things are pretty good. Plus! I have been seeing Skyler lots and are you ready for this, I have a thick full head of hair!! Yeah, I am a furry little girl. It is so soft and feels like a little animal. I love it. Skyler and I tried to do a mohawk the other day, but it is still too short to style. But it was still fun. Soon I'll be braiding it and pig tailing away.

So there is my little update. I hope you enjoyed and that you are now currently feeling at peace from finally hearing from me. I shall try my best to be better at it. Have a wonderful day everyone!