Blue Moon, Trust and Faith

Wednesday was one of the most stressful, yet most rewarding and productive days I have had this semester. Apparently I was showing many signs of a mania to all around me as people were staring at me rushing around the library and campus all morning due to all the things not going quite right. In a dress mind you! I only wear dresses to school once in a blue moon so this was a rare and blessed occasion. I think I was probably a good candidate for the "One Crazy Lady" award to the People Watchers Association. I'll have to look into that.

Blue Moon Proof!
Pay no attention to the large hand shadow.
It is just deceiving as my hands are not that big.

But tricks on those people watchers! I had a secret weapon in my arsenal or else I would have been a lot worse. What is this secret weapon you may ask? Well I shall tell you.

Fervent prayer and blind faith.

This my dear friends is probably one of the greatest tools you can have in the crazy situations life can throw at you as well as the calm days. This is a lesson that I am learning more and more. When I do all that I can do and put effort into something I would like to happen, the thing I need to do is to give myself to the Lord and allow him to take over. When I give myself to the Lord everything turns out much better than when I would have done. He is an expert in every microscopic detail of my life and I need to not be so scared to have faith and take a step forward. No matter what that step may be, He will be there to provide a way to accomplish my goals and move forward.

Thank You Pinterest

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

Proverbs 3:5-6

Like I said, the other day was very hectic but oh so productive. I felt such a wonderful peace all day when I could have felt stress and annoyance. Because I made an extra effort to have the Spirit with me, I was able to be blessed with multiple tender mercies, and opportunities. 

Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves meeee.

Heavenly Father loves me so much and wants me to be happy. As I rely on Him and stop being so scared of minor details and the "what ifs'" of life, I will be able to become the person I want to be and who God wants me to be as well. I am continually grateful for the lessons and opportunities that God places before me to become the best I can be.

Gandhify Your Life

As a college student, I am very busy so my schedule is pretty hectic. Class, homework, church, social life and little things in between, then do it all again the next day. Sleep often gets left out. I find myself getting super anxious and burned out from trying to do so much. I neglect to take care of myself in more ways than one. Why in the world did the idea come that being busy is best? I know it is good to be productive, but I need to get it out of my head that that is what is valuable in the long run. I need to find the balance and take time to slow down. But I don't need to tell you that, my dear friend Elder Uchtdorf tells it much better than I.

Isn't this Mormon Message incredible?! It is one of my favorites. 

More and more I am coming the realization that I need to take time to slow down. I need to take time to just sit and meditate. At first I thought of meditation as a "hummmmmm dilly dum hummmmmmm" stuff you see in the movies with Indians floating with their legs crossed and fingers out being all Gandhi like. But the more I have thought about it there are actually a lot of benefits to it as well. 

Rachel's List of Meditation Benefits:

My dear friend Gandhi-face

1. I can take time for myself and unwind.
2. Take away the pressures and overstimulation that comes throughout the day.
3. Be able to think clearly without the buzz and commotion of life.
4. I can come closer to God.
5. Become a problem solving genius.
6. Become more peaceful.
7. I get to say "hummmmmm dilly dum hummmmmmm" without feeling silly.
8. It is optimal nap opportunity if I feel so inclined.

*I'm pretty sure there are many more benefits but I haven't meditated about them fully yet.

"Meditation is the language of the soul. Meditation is a form of prayer... Meditation is one of the most secret, most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord."

-President David O. McKay

So in order to become closer to God and to figure out my life I need to take a moment and just stop. It is okay to be still and to take time for me. I need to take care of myself spiritually, mentally and physically. Even if it sounds weird to meditate, I feel as though it is working. Taking time for me is okay and it will help me in my every day life. 

So a hummmmmm dilly dum hummmmmmm to all and to all a good night!

Half turbans help in the meditation process. They allow extra inspiration.
I was going to do a full turban, but it made me feel like I was back in my bald days so I decided against that. 

PS: Observe how long the locks of love are getting! Woot woot, ten points to Ravenclaw!

Kindness Begins With Me

One of my favorite things to do is to give service to others. I love helping other people. When I was in high school, I came up with a goal to help someone or compliment someone at least three times a day. Something that started out as a simple goal turned into a daily habit and I just do it to random people despite the odd looks I get sometimes. It just feels so good and satisfying to help someone else out or to make them smile.

Are you all ready for a confession from yours truly? Well here it is...

Even though I love giving service to others and being kind, I often fall into the trap of not being kind to myself. I am a huge perfectionist and can be very hard on myself at times. I find myself critiquing things I do wrong even if they are small until they become huge things. I literally freeze up because I am so critical of my mistakes or my short comings.

I Rachel Ann Fischer, am my biggest critic. But why is this? It's not as if I am a horrible person because I'm really not. I am actually pretty cool and am a good kind person. I often look over what I have done well and focus just on the things I don't do well. 

I have come to the realization that my perfectionistic attitude is a good thing in certain situations, but it can often turn into a hinderance and doesn't allow me to progress or move. I am literally robbing myself of happiness. Happiness that Heavenly Father wants me to have. 

Lately I have been challenging myself to find the good in me and to be kind to myself. It has been difficult to break the habit of being hard on myself, but as I've been making an effort to like and be kind to myself, I have been starting to see small differences in how I act and think. It really is quite marvelous. 

I need to remember and remind myself daily that God loves me and likes me too. He is infinitely kind to me. Why in the world would I ever be unkind to one of his children? I often get caught up in thinking that I am being kind to his children, but I need to remember that I am one of his children too. I need to be kind to myself.

I made it a habit to be kind to others, but I need to make it a habit to be kind to myself as well. It may be hard sometimes, but with God's help I will be able to turn it into a lifelong habit that will bless my life and others as well. I will be able to be happy with myself and be able to progress and like myself.

So here is a toast to a new beginning and trying my best to like myself and to be kind to myself as well.

*All photos have come to a blog near you via Pinterest.

Resolution

New Years Resolutions. We make them, we break them, we resolve to do better. We either succeed, fail or fall somewhere in between. I think the important part is to remember that even if we don't fully reach our yearly goal, we should not despair. The important thing is that you are striving to do something to better your life or to accomplish something. If you fall short, that doesn't mean you have failed. You are further than you were when you started. 

Another thing I feel that is important to remember is to not compare ourselves with others. Life is not a race, we should take time to enjoy what is around us and constantly strive to be better than we were. If we are comparing our goals and lives to others, we are already setting ourselves up for disappointment. We need to enjoy the journey that helps create who we are to become. 

Photo: Courtesy of Pinterest

res·o·lu·tion/ rez-uh-loo-shun

1. a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.

2. the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action

3. having a firmness of purpose.

Upon reading the definition of what a resolution is, I discovered that courage has a lot to do with the action of accomplishing a resolution. According to my trusty Mac's dictionary it says:

"Resolution also implies firmness of mind rather than fearlessness, but the emphasis is in the determination to achieve a goal in spite of opposition or interference."

This is the most important part of a resolution for me. I need to have courage to do the things I want to do and have resolved to do. Even if some of the things are scary, I need to have faith and courage that things will work out in their own time. I cannot be afraid of failing. Fear is the enemy to faith and to succeed in my progression, I need to rely on the Lord when it gets hard. 

Photo: Courtesy of Pinterest

So my goals this year are simple:

-Above all, I want to continue in my progression to become the person Heavenly Father wants me to be. 

-I want to become the confident courageous person that I know I can be. 

-I want to be the happiest person in the world. Literally. I will find someone to measure it.

-Become confident and comfortable in my body.

-Get a 4.0 or as close to it as possible.

-Serve someone every single day.

-Mark every page of the Book of Mormon with a color coded system.

These are just some of the goals I have this year, and the others I will keep in my heart. So here is to a new year of bettering one's self. I look forward to the glorious opportunities that are in store for me. I know that as I lean on Heavenly Father for help in my daily resolutions and enjoy all that He has given to me, I will be blessed and be able to succeed. 

Good luck in all your daily resolution's peeps!  I know you can do it!
"Never give up! Never Surrender!"
-Galaxy Quest

Happy Old Year!

Another year has come and gone, and I am still trucking along up in Ice Rexburg Ideeho. Now, some people may think, "Wow, how long have you been there?" A kind and vague response would be, "Oh not long, I've lost track of the semesters..." But me being the honest person I am responds with a response that goes like this: "Weeeelll... This is my fifth year." In that moment the inquiring persons face drops and turns a little green. At that I just chuckle and think, "Oh you young thing, carry on. Maybe someday you can be as cool as me."

How inconceivable is it that this last year I finished my eighth and ninth semester of college and am now on my tenth semester. The big one oh. Sometimes it feels like I just started yesterday. I think it is an accomplishment and am so excited to get another two semesters under my belt. One day I'll graduate.. At least that's the hope. Something amazing about BYU-Idaho is that I get to meet a lot of amazing people from all over the country and world. I was blessed to meet a lot of great friends and develop wonderful relationships with them.

In addition to knocking out another two semesters of school, I was able to do a lot of fun things this last year. I got to work immediately from getting home from school and received a scholarship from the American Cancer Society. These combined equaled me being able to pay for fall semester and this winter semester all by myself until I start work again in the summer. I feel like such a grown up. Woot!

I got to visit my sister and her family in New York before she had her little girl and got to spend a lot of time with my family at home in Utah. One really cool thing was that we were all home for Christmas. It was really great to have all of us there. I got to meet my one-year-old nephew and my niece. I may or many not have been obsessively taking pictures of them. As well as holding, loving, and playing with them like crazy. It was so great. I love my family. My siblings and I are pretty spaced out in age and in geographical distance, so it's good to develop a relationship with them even though we are far away.

Mrs. Preggers and I at Niagra Falls.

Celebrating New Years Eve Fischer style, minus my beautiful Mama.

 

My lovely Grandma Fischer holding the most adorable baby in the entire world.
This is a proven fact and non-debatable.

Another cool thing that happened this last year was that Rachelle got married! She is now a Mrs. and is doing so well. It was really neat to see her and Dillon tie the knot and see her so peaceful and happy.

One of the coolest things that happened to me was that I got called to be a Sunday-School teacher! It was so great to be able to share my testimony and discover more about the gospel. At first it was really scary, but as I got into it more I became really good at it!

So my 2012 was pretty darn good if I do say so myself. Above all, I really came to realize that I am beginning to become more confident in myself and growing and developing in the way that I want to. I lost a lot of time when I got sick, so now that I am doing well in my recovery I am becoming normal once more.

Stop and smell the flowers peeps. It's worth a sniff to count your blessings and name them one by one.

PS: These flowers may or may not have been taken from the gardens up on campus.
I promise I'm not a felon. We were simply just helping with the pruning process.
Read about it here.

Graduation

Yesterday was a very special day. I had my routine three month check up at the Oncologist and like always, it was business as usual.

Check up Day Events:

• Blood work
• Drink Barium Contrast (Which is the consistency of glue by the way.)
• Get injected with Iodine Contrast (Which makes you feel warm from head to toe and you feel as though you peed your pants.)
• CT scan
• Doctor's examination

So as you can tell, it was a busy busy day. Sometimes when I take that contrast it makes me feel a little off and I don't like it, but it's okay. It helps them see exactly what they are looking for in my body so it's a double edged sword.

The greatest part of the day was during the doctor's exam. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I have advanced from my regular Oncologist Dr. Wallentine to a Nurse Practitioner. The NP for the day looked over my scans and gave me some incredible news. Not only I not have any remaining tumors, the kidney stones I had from previous scans are no longer in my kidney!

He also said that I do not have to come back for six months instead of the three months that I have been doing. I have officially graduated! Can I get some Vitamin C up in here?! It is a really good feeling knowing that I am well and continuing to recover slowly but surely. It is wonderful to know I don't have to worry as much about appointments and feeling like cancer will never end. The doctor even said that I am cancer free/in remission. What a relief! I already knew that, but it is still nice to hear from the professionals.

I always feel pretty anxious about my appointments just because it's a scary thought that my cancer could come back the same or in a different form. But knowing that I am well enough to only be every six months is such a relief.

I am going forward with faith and trying my best to be healthy. I am on the road to full recovery. One day, cancer will be just a vague memory. I am feeling very blessed and grateful at this moment.

P.S.

Yo Peeps, guess what?! 

I have hair!!

(Sing it from the rooftops.)

Or did you guys just think I was still a baldie? Well I am not sorry to tell you that you are mistaken. As much as I did enjoy being bald and feeling the wind run across my skin, I decided that I needed to take a more fashionable route and grow it back. (Call me vain, but I'm okay with the results of my decision.) I promise that is not a wig, it is growing out of the head of yours truly. 

Come take a tug on it sometime and I'll prove it to you.

My hair came in way darker than it was before and a little more coarse. There are some rogue waves that
sometimes I don't know exactly how to control, but it is starting to get looong and luscious!

Oh what's that? Remember when I was as bald as that apple? Well no more I tell you! Bald be gone!

Two Years

Hear ye, hear ye! Four score and two years ago, I Rachel Ann Fischer completed my very last treatment for Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Since then, I have returned to school and have continued to recover. I am so grateful to all those men and women who do research to fight against cancer. I owe them my life. I am grateful to my family and friends who have stuck by my side. Two years down and and looking forward to many many more to come. It's a wonderful life and journey.

"Celebrate good times come on!" (I dare you not to get that stuck in your head.)

Remember this? When I thought I had so much hair that it wasn't noticeable that I was a sicky?
Yeeaah... Not noticeable at all. Those little sprouts have served me well.

The wonderful radiation team.

Blurry photo, but this is exactly two years ago when I finished. I'm holding my mask,
certificate of completion and a bottle of Sparkling Cider.

Sum up of Summer

Painfully and regretfully I have had to come to the forced realization that summer is over. This saddens my heart dearly as I love the warm summer months. (Which begs the question, "Why am I attending an Arctic-Siberian-Icelandic-University?") So in honor of sweet summer, I wanted to tell you all what I did for my time off of school. So be prepared to be enlightened!

I was able to work this whole summer at the lovely CFC Fences and Decks. I started the very next monday that I returned from school, and worked all the way up until the day before I had to leave to come to school. This was my third summer there so I had a bit under my belt and I was able to have more responsibilities and to help out in more areas than the previous summers. I am now officially a fence, deck and outdoor structure nerd. I was able to answer questions that I didn't even know I had the answers to and was able to help out my coworkers in different areas. So if you have a fence you have questions about, bring it on! I can tell you all about it and direct you to the people who can build it! (Built in advertising? I think yes. CFC is the best! Go there, now! For all your installation and material needs! Mention my name and you get a discount. Okay, maybe not a discount but something else cool. Like a brand new fence!)

I came downstairs to the break room one day to find this!
I don't think it is official, but I'm totally counting it.

I finally got my own CFC shirt! Oooh yeah, I'm in the big leagues now.

Since work was such a big part of my life this summer, it sometimes felt as though I didn't get to do a whole lot, but looking back I realized that I was able to do a lot of fun things.

For example, I was able to go to Art City days with Rachelle. I was so excited! Mainly because they have corn dogs and I cannot express to you how much I love corn dogs. We walked around all the booths and even went on a ride. Rachelle was a little scared because frankly, the rides are a little old so she was nervous we would fall out. But it was still fun.

Art City Days!

I absolutely love love love Corn Dogs. We were very excited to eat them.

"Excited" to flip upside down and all around on the extremely safe and fun ride. 

Another fun thing I was able to do this summer was to play soccer with my little brother. Micah graduated from the family ward to the singles ward! So we started out playing for the ward team and then we made some friends from our ward and made an indoor team. We didn't win one game in indoor, but it was still fun to do that with Micah. It was frustrating at times as I can be ultra-super-sonic-competitive, but as my dad always says, "It wouldn't be fun if you never lost." That used to annoy me (still does sometimes) but it fun to get out and play again. 

First snow cones of summer after our first soccer game! I always end up getting the same one - Cherry Cola. Micah is a lot more adventurous and gets anything from cake batter to lemon.

I bruise like a peach so I was covered with bruises all summer. The guys at work were a little worried, but no fear! They are just from playing with boys in soccer. This isn't even the worst of the bruises!

Here are some other pictures to show some summer fun...

Micah and I comparing our arms. Sad thing is that he isn't even as dark as he got toward he got at the end of the summer! This picture doesn't give his skin the justice it deserves.

 My friend Casey and I caught the bouquet and garter at our friend Jake and Monica's wedding. 

 Another thing I did this summer was volunteer to help out the Relay for Life. I was able to receive a scholarship again and one of the requirements is to volunteer through the American Cancer Society. One cool thing was that they honor survivors and their caregivers. I asked my mom to come be my caregiver and as the even began all the survivors got to take a ceremonial first lap. It was very touching and was a neat experience to see all the other survivors around me.

One of the greatest things I got to do this summer was to go visit my sister Jenna in New York. It was so fun. But that is a post for another day. I'm very glad that I was able to get out and do some exciting things this summer and to rev up right before the start of school.

Haunted

Numbness. Confusion. Despair and anger. These are the feelings I received upon being told I had cancer a little over two and a half years ago. In just a few short days, my life, my being and very identity were stripped away from me in just two simple words. Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I didn't realize at that time what an enormous deal this was. Here I was, 20 years old being told I had cancer. I honestly did not understand the magnitude, or what would be in store for me.

I handled all the treatments well and even had a positive attitude through the entire experience. There were dark times though. Times I couldn't even begin to share with my family or close friends. How could anyone understand? I felt so alone. Those are the times that haunt me the most. Laying curled up in my bed in pain and sickness. Staring at a bald figure in the mirror not even recognizing a sliver of who I had once been. I can still see the gauntness of my eyes, crying out for help and with fear, but also seeing a desperation to push through to the end.

As time went on, each treatment became a little more difficult and I became a little more numb. Sometimes the numbness seemed to take over my body. With each frustration that arose, I strived my best to bury it down inside me or to shirk it away. I was able to lock the sadness away so that I would not have to deal with it.

Now, almost two and a half years later, that sadness and anger is trying desperately to get out of the deep places I so carefully tucked it away in. Sometimes it bursts free and bubbles to the surface causing frustration and annoyance. I feel like now is the time I need to deal with those tucked away emotions and memories which is why I decided to write this post. I feel as though it is a way for me to finally deal with what happened to me.

Yes, my body is healed of the tumors that were inside of me. But the mental wounds have not been healed yet. There are those lasting side effects of the treatments that plague me. I try my best to deal with them and to take measures to work toward complete recovery. But it can be so hard sometimes. I feel exhausted all the time, both physically and emotionally. My body does not function the way it used to or at the level a typical 23 year old body should. I get so frustrated at these times. I just want to be normal and to have my body be the way it should.

Even though I am being haunted by the memories of those dark days, I know for a fact that Heavenly Father loves me. And that his son Jesus Christ died for me. He died so that I may live again in perfect form. He suffered for my sins, weaknesses, pains, sicknesses, sadness and trials. I know that He was with me during my times of feeling alone, and that He is always with me. I know that I may not be perfect or have my body perform the way I want it to at all times, but I know that God loves me enough to help through my trials as well as the times of happiness.

With each frustration that comes, I know that God is there to help me understand His eternal plan of salvation and love. All I can do now, is to do my best to love the body I have and take the best care of it as possible and to have patience. Sometimes it feels as though my cancer is still around even though the tumors are gone. But I know that as my body continues to heal that Heavenly Father will be by my side and that one day I am going to wake up feeling brand new and not tired anymore. Even though I am terrified that I am going to get sick again, I know that He is there and will guide and comfort me.

I know He loves all of his children and the He is always there. We just have to do our part and allow Him to guide us along through the good times and the bad. God is our friend. He want the best for us. Even if we may not know exactly why our trials come upon us, we can know that He is in control and has a divine purpose for us to fulfill.

Blessings

Lately I have been thinking about of being cancer free. Sometimes it feels so surreal and unbelievable that I, Rachel Ann Fischer, actually had cancer. It doesn't even hit me how big of a deal and how huge of an accomplishment that is sometimes. It takes me back to show how truly blessed I am in so many aspects of my life. Of course medically and to be alive, but also I have been blessed to have so many great and wonderful people in my life.

To my family and friends, I thank you for standing by my side through the thick and the thin. I know in my heart that I would not have been able to get through all my treatments or through these two years without you. Thank you for your patience, support and kindness through everything and encouraging me to be the best I can be.

I am most grateful to my loving Heavenly Father who has always and will always be by my side. I am thankful for all the experiences that He has given to me to become the person I am today.  I am grateful that I was able to tolerate my treatments and to be alive. I know he loves me, and he loves all his children. I am grateful to him to have the blessing to know that I am his daughter and to know His true gospel.

I have been blessed with so many great and amazing things. They are just too numerous to count. I look forward to giving back as much as I have been given. Thank you to everyone who has supported me either through this blog or in person. Thank you for your encouragement and friendship. You are all lovely.