A Year Off

I'm trying to think of where to start... After taking basically a year off of blogging it is hard to think of where to catch up. I guess I'll start with the reasons for why I took a break.

One of the biggest reasons is that the recovery process is very long and complicated. It takes about two years to feel almost normal again, and even then you still aren't normal. Cancer changes you in so many ways than just being bald. It changes you physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I didn't really know who I was anymore when I reentered society. I had become socially awkward and more reserved. This was very different than from the person I was before I got sick. I had been a crazy, vivacious girl who loved being in social settings. Now I felt awkward, self conscious and shy. It was very difficult to handle at times.

Chemotherapy had also taken a toll on my body in ways that are very hard to explain. The steroids had caused me to gain an enormous amount of weight and caused my body to become weak. I lost all muscle strength and was not able to be as active as I had always been. This was very frustrating as I have always loved playing soccer and doing other activities. Now those things I loved were not as easy as they had been. I was essentially starting at zero.

Sadly another reason for my absence was the fear of what others thought of me. I had some experiences when I went back to school that shook me greatly. Essentially some of the things I was told was that talking about my experience with cancer was annoying and a bad thing. These people made it seem as though it was my fault that I got sick and that I was trying to elevate myself because of it. This and other things that they said made it very hard to handle in trying to find myself again. Being the person that I am I always try to make people feel good and try not to offend them. So I stopped talking about it. Sometimes the words of people hurt so much that eats inside of you until you feel so insecure that you don't know what to do.

I shouldn't have let what others thought about me dictate what I did. Just because those people were cruel and selfish didn't mean anything about me. Everyone is different and those who choose to not be kind are doing themselves a great disservice. I think they said those mean things because they didn't fully know how to handle helping someone who had just beaten cancer. It's not a common thing in a younger age group to have people your age go through cancer. Now I know it was because they were only feeling threatened because of their own insecurities. That's okay though. I am finally coming to a point where I can forgive them for making me feel so bad about myself. They didn't know any better. All I can do is do as the Savior did and forgive. I don't have to forget, but I can learn from this experience and have it help me from now on.

I also had to deal with comparing myself to others. Everyone else my age was off doing things that I had always wanted to do. Getting married, discovering the world, having babies and graduating from college. I felt as though I was a step behind and as though I was missing something. Now I realize that everyone is different. I shouldn't compare myself to others situations as everyones is very different.

Because of these reasons I withdrew from the world basically. I have been on a journey of trying to find and recreate myself. I don't know if I went about it in the right way, but I think that now I am able to talk about it. I still am a little afraid of what people think, but I think that it will help me to understand everything more. Life after cancer is difficult and in a time of my life where I am figuring out what to do with my future, I feel as though I need to talk about it, and blogging is one way I can do that. I think it will help me and maybe help others as well.

It isn't necessary for me to hide anymore. It wasn't then either, but it still is a struggle to talk about. I have come to the realization that life is about living and not being afraid of the world or what others think. I don't need to pretend that having cancer never happened. Cancer was a great struggle and trial, but it also made me a better person and has been a small blessing in some cases. I am grateful for the challenge that Heavenly Father gave me because it allowed me to come closer to Him and Christ. My goal is to use all of the knowledge that I learned to help others and to become the best person that I can be.

Growing up my family has had only a few rules that we often had to recite when we broke them.

We Talk

We Share

We don't Fight

We Respect Ourselves and Others

We Do the Things that Make Us Stronger Physically, Mentally and Spiritually

Now that I am older I can see how they were not just something to recite in the heat of the moment, but something that would help us grow and develop into becoming good people. Now I more fully understand how I can use these as tools to become the best me as possible.

So here's to a new year full of new opportunities, learning experiences and continuing a journey of more self discovery. I hope that I can become the best that I can be and continue learning about living after cancer.