Sum up of Summer

Painfully and regretfully I have had to come to the forced realization that summer is over. This saddens my heart dearly as I love the warm summer months. (Which begs the question, "Why am I attending an Arctic-Siberian-Icelandic-University?") So in honor of sweet summer, I wanted to tell you all what I did for my time off of school. So be prepared to be enlightened!

I was able to work this whole summer at the lovely CFC Fences and Decks. I started the very next monday that I returned from school, and worked all the way up until the day before I had to leave to come to school. This was my third summer there so I had a bit under my belt and I was able to have more responsibilities and to help out in more areas than the previous summers. I am now officially a fence, deck and outdoor structure nerd. I was able to answer questions that I didn't even know I had the answers to and was able to help out my coworkers in different areas. So if you have a fence you have questions about, bring it on! I can tell you all about it and direct you to the people who can build it! (Built in advertising? I think yes. CFC is the best! Go there, now! For all your installation and material needs! Mention my name and you get a discount. Okay, maybe not a discount but something else cool. Like a brand new fence!)

I came downstairs to the break room one day to find this!
I don't think it is official, but I'm totally counting it.

I finally got my own CFC shirt! Oooh yeah, I'm in the big leagues now.

Since work was such a big part of my life this summer, it sometimes felt as though I didn't get to do a whole lot, but looking back I realized that I was able to do a lot of fun things.

For example, I was able to go to Art City days with Rachelle. I was so excited! Mainly because they have corn dogs and I cannot express to you how much I love corn dogs. We walked around all the booths and even went on a ride. Rachelle was a little scared because frankly, the rides are a little old so she was nervous we would fall out. But it was still fun.

Art City Days!

I absolutely love love love Corn Dogs. We were very excited to eat them.

"Excited" to flip upside down and all around on the extremely safe and fun ride. 

Another fun thing I was able to do this summer was to play soccer with my little brother. Micah graduated from the family ward to the singles ward! So we started out playing for the ward team and then we made some friends from our ward and made an indoor team. We didn't win one game in indoor, but it was still fun to do that with Micah. It was frustrating at times as I can be ultra-super-sonic-competitive, but as my dad always says, "It wouldn't be fun if you never lost." That used to annoy me (still does sometimes) but it fun to get out and play again. 

First snow cones of summer after our first soccer game! I always end up getting the same one - Cherry Cola. Micah is a lot more adventurous and gets anything from cake batter to lemon.

I bruise like a peach so I was covered with bruises all summer. The guys at work were a little worried, but no fear! They are just from playing with boys in soccer. This isn't even the worst of the bruises!

Here are some other pictures to show some summer fun...

Micah and I comparing our arms. Sad thing is that he isn't even as dark as he got toward he got at the end of the summer! This picture doesn't give his skin the justice it deserves.

 My friend Casey and I caught the bouquet and garter at our friend Jake and Monica's wedding. 

 Another thing I did this summer was volunteer to help out the Relay for Life. I was able to receive a scholarship again and one of the requirements is to volunteer through the American Cancer Society. One cool thing was that they honor survivors and their caregivers. I asked my mom to come be my caregiver and as the even began all the survivors got to take a ceremonial first lap. It was very touching and was a neat experience to see all the other survivors around me.

One of the greatest things I got to do this summer was to go visit my sister Jenna in New York. It was so fun. But that is a post for another day. I'm very glad that I was able to get out and do some exciting things this summer and to rev up right before the start of school.

Haunted

Numbness. Confusion. Despair and anger. These are the feelings I received upon being told I had cancer a little over two and a half years ago. In just a few short days, my life, my being and very identity were stripped away from me in just two simple words. Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I didn't realize at that time what an enormous deal this was. Here I was, 20 years old being told I had cancer. I honestly did not understand the magnitude, or what would be in store for me.

I handled all the treatments well and even had a positive attitude through the entire experience. There were dark times though. Times I couldn't even begin to share with my family or close friends. How could anyone understand? I felt so alone. Those are the times that haunt me the most. Laying curled up in my bed in pain and sickness. Staring at a bald figure in the mirror not even recognizing a sliver of who I had once been. I can still see the gauntness of my eyes, crying out for help and with fear, but also seeing a desperation to push through to the end.

As time went on, each treatment became a little more difficult and I became a little more numb. Sometimes the numbness seemed to take over my body. With each frustration that arose, I strived my best to bury it down inside me or to shirk it away. I was able to lock the sadness away so that I would not have to deal with it.

Now, almost two and a half years later, that sadness and anger is trying desperately to get out of the deep places I so carefully tucked it away in. Sometimes it bursts free and bubbles to the surface causing frustration and annoyance. I feel like now is the time I need to deal with those tucked away emotions and memories which is why I decided to write this post. I feel as though it is a way for me to finally deal with what happened to me.

Yes, my body is healed of the tumors that were inside of me. But the mental wounds have not been healed yet. There are those lasting side effects of the treatments that plague me. I try my best to deal with them and to take measures to work toward complete recovery. But it can be so hard sometimes. I feel exhausted all the time, both physically and emotionally. My body does not function the way it used to or at the level a typical 23 year old body should. I get so frustrated at these times. I just want to be normal and to have my body be the way it should.

Even though I am being haunted by the memories of those dark days, I know for a fact that Heavenly Father loves me. And that his son Jesus Christ died for me. He died so that I may live again in perfect form. He suffered for my sins, weaknesses, pains, sicknesses, sadness and trials. I know that He was with me during my times of feeling alone, and that He is always with me. I know that I may not be perfect or have my body perform the way I want it to at all times, but I know that God loves me enough to help through my trials as well as the times of happiness.

With each frustration that comes, I know that God is there to help me understand His eternal plan of salvation and love. All I can do now, is to do my best to love the body I have and take the best care of it as possible and to have patience. Sometimes it feels as though my cancer is still around even though the tumors are gone. But I know that as my body continues to heal that Heavenly Father will be by my side and that one day I am going to wake up feeling brand new and not tired anymore. Even though I am terrified that I am going to get sick again, I know that He is there and will guide and comfort me.

I know He loves all of his children and the He is always there. We just have to do our part and allow Him to guide us along through the good times and the bad. God is our friend. He want the best for us. Even if we may not know exactly why our trials come upon us, we can know that He is in control and has a divine purpose for us to fulfill.

Blessings

Lately I have been thinking about of being cancer free. Sometimes it feels so surreal and unbelievable that I, Rachel Ann Fischer, actually had cancer. It doesn't even hit me how big of a deal and how huge of an accomplishment that is sometimes. It takes me back to show how truly blessed I am in so many aspects of my life. Of course medically and to be alive, but also I have been blessed to have so many great and wonderful people in my life.

To my family and friends, I thank you for standing by my side through the thick and the thin. I know in my heart that I would not have been able to get through all my treatments or through these two years without you. Thank you for your patience, support and kindness through everything and encouraging me to be the best I can be.

I am most grateful to my loving Heavenly Father who has always and will always be by my side. I am thankful for all the experiences that He has given to me to become the person I am today.  I am grateful that I was able to tolerate my treatments and to be alive. I know he loves me, and he loves all his children. I am grateful to him to have the blessing to know that I am his daughter and to know His true gospel.

I have been blessed with so many great and amazing things. They are just too numerous to count. I look forward to giving back as much as I have been given. Thank you to everyone who has supported me either through this blog or in person. Thank you for your encouragement and friendship. You are all lovely.