Haunted

Numbness. Confusion. Despair and anger. These are the feelings I received upon being told I had cancer a little over two and a half years ago. In just a few short days, my life, my being and very identity were stripped away from me in just two simple words. Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I didn't realize at that time what an enormous deal this was. Here I was, 20 years old being told I had cancer. I honestly did not understand the magnitude, or what would be in store for me.

I handled all the treatments well and even had a positive attitude through the entire experience. There were dark times though. Times I couldn't even begin to share with my family or close friends. How could anyone understand? I felt so alone. Those are the times that haunt me the most. Laying curled up in my bed in pain and sickness. Staring at a bald figure in the mirror not even recognizing a sliver of who I had once been. I can still see the gauntness of my eyes, crying out for help and with fear, but also seeing a desperation to push through to the end.

As time went on, each treatment became a little more difficult and I became a little more numb. Sometimes the numbness seemed to take over my body. With each frustration that arose, I strived my best to bury it down inside me or to shirk it away. I was able to lock the sadness away so that I would not have to deal with it.

Now, almost two and a half years later, that sadness and anger is trying desperately to get out of the deep places I so carefully tucked it away in. Sometimes it bursts free and bubbles to the surface causing frustration and annoyance. I feel like now is the time I need to deal with those tucked away emotions and memories which is why I decided to write this post. I feel as though it is a way for me to finally deal with what happened to me.

Yes, my body is healed of the tumors that were inside of me. But the mental wounds have not been healed yet. There are those lasting side effects of the treatments that plague me. I try my best to deal with them and to take measures to work toward complete recovery. But it can be so hard sometimes. I feel exhausted all the time, both physically and emotionally. My body does not function the way it used to or at the level a typical 23 year old body should. I get so frustrated at these times. I just want to be normal and to have my body be the way it should.

Even though I am being haunted by the memories of those dark days, I know for a fact that Heavenly Father loves me. And that his son Jesus Christ died for me. He died so that I may live again in perfect form. He suffered for my sins, weaknesses, pains, sicknesses, sadness and trials. I know that He was with me during my times of feeling alone, and that He is always with me. I know that I may not be perfect or have my body perform the way I want it to at all times, but I know that God loves me enough to help through my trials as well as the times of happiness.

With each frustration that comes, I know that God is there to help me understand His eternal plan of salvation and love. All I can do now, is to do my best to love the body I have and take the best care of it as possible and to have patience. Sometimes it feels as though my cancer is still around even though the tumors are gone. But I know that as my body continues to heal that Heavenly Father will be by my side and that one day I am going to wake up feeling brand new and not tired anymore. Even though I am terrified that I am going to get sick again, I know that He is there and will guide and comfort me.

I know He loves all of his children and the He is always there. We just have to do our part and allow Him to guide us along through the good times and the bad. God is our friend. He want the best for us. Even if we may not know exactly why our trials come upon us, we can know that He is in control and has a divine purpose for us to fulfill.