I'm allergic to Cancer

This last week I have had allergies up the wazoo. I don't know what was in the air, but I have not gotten a reaction that bad in years. I had a fever, a clogged head and nose, and a cough. I felt like I was in a cloud all the time. I even lost my voice from coughing and the congestion. My coworkers thought I had laryngitis and that I was dying in my cubicle I'm sure. Skyler couldn't even recognize that it was me on the phone it was so bad! Thankfully my temperature never got to 101 or else I would have had to go to the hospital. But it is okay, the rain that we have been having is washing whatever was in the air away from my nose.

Yesterday I completed my seventh treatment. I have five more! It was a really hard treatment to go to. I really do not like going and getting the actual poke and medicine. The smell in my mouth has gotten bad and brings me close to vomiting. So I make sure to have a mint present. I had been having an off week-not only with my allergies, but with my spirits. I was really not looking forward to treatment, was super lonely and really scared to get treatment.

I have made a goal that throughout this time I will go to the temple every time before I get treated. The decision to go has really given me strength. (It was a struggle to go at first because I was down a bit and just in a "wa wa waaa" mood, but my mom helped me get going. Thank you Momma!)

This is my lovely mother and I right before I left Rexburg and started my treatments. Ain't she pretty? I tell you one thing. I am certainly blessed to have this woman in my life.

This particular visit gave me a lot of help. I prayed to God to have comfort-and to as selfish as this is, not to taste the bad taste and smell. And you know what? He listened and answered my prayer. He helped me out and I didn't taste it! All because of my because of my ALLERGIES! He knew what I needed and was preparing my body for the treatment long before I asked for help. All I had to do was ask. I thought that they were a not so pleasant thing at the time where I was going through cough drops, sounding like a bald man, and making my way through a pack of tissues like nobody's business. But I was sure grateful for them at that moment when the nurse was injecting me with my "poison mocktail."

It really is amazing how much Heavenly Father loves us and knows what we need. This week, He knew that allergies would help me. He gave me a wonderful mother to help me through this and give me strength. He has given me a fiancé that cheers me up and by making me laugh and think more clearly and positively. He made it so that I found my cancer quickly and put things in order for me to get treated.

He helps guide our lives in ways to make us grow. I have grown from this so much already and found many things to be grateful for. I am grateful that I have a chance to get better. I certainly do not enjoy the process, but I am grateful for it.

There I go again, doing another talk, but oh well. It is the truth. God is with me, as he is with everyone in the world. He loves us and wants the best for us. He knows what we need and helps guides and directs us-his children. Most of all, he loves us more than we can even comprehend or imagine. And that, will never change.

I have all of these songs from primary going through my head right now that all have the same theme. That I am a child of God and he loves me. He sent me here to learn and grow. How amazing is that?! Seriously. Who doesn't want to know that someone is out there who loves them and who knows them perfectly, and who can help them grow to become their very best? I know that I do.

The one song that has always given me strength though, is not a primary song, but a lullaby my dad would sing to me when I was little and restless. (Okay, he has sung it to me when I was a teenager and also when I was in college, there I admit it. I'm such a daddy's girl. :)) It is from the musical "My Turn on Earth." It helps show me that I am not alone and that I am loved. Above all, it gives me peace.

Angel Lullaby

You came from a land where all is light

to a world half day and a world half night.

To guide you by day, you have my love,

To guard you by night, your friends above.

So sleep, sleep, till the darkness ends,

guarded by your angel friends.

So sleep, sleep, till the darkness ends,

guarded by your angel friends.

There's one stands softly by your bed

and another sits close with a hand on your head.

There's one at the window watching for the dawn,

and one waits to wake you when the night is gone.

So sleep, sleep, till the darkness ends,

guarded by your angel friends.

So sleep, sleep, till the darkness ends,

guarded by your angel friends.

My nephew's reaction..

I forgot to include super cute things that happened with my nephew's concerning my bald head in my "Bald as a Cue-Ball post."

First, when my youngest nephew Bryce saw my freshly shaven head, he looked at me with confusion and then burst into tears. It was really cute, and expressed a little bit of what I was thinking.

Second, the second youngest Jack doesn't really talk, but could not understand where my hair was. He kept pointing to my head, then to his hair, then back to mine, then with a cute little shrug and smile, he'd lift his hands like saying "Where is your hair Aunt Rachel? Did you lose it? I have mine, where is yours?" He really liked this game. It was really cute. Then he saw our picture of apple picking season and so when he would point to my head, he'd say apple. So instead of being bald as a cue-ball, I am as bald as an apple.

Third, I asked my oldest nephew Michael if I had scared him with my bald head and he said, "No, you didn't scare me, you just freaked me out." Ha, then I asked him where he thought my hair had gone, and he told me "I thought it grew back into your head!" Ha ha. SO cute. I wish my hair had just gone back in! I told him that it had fallen out because of the medicine and cancer, and then he told me all about white blood cells and how they will make me better. It was adorable.

So there you go. Those are my nephew's reactions. They are super cute and oh so much fun.

Bald as a Cue-Ball

I guarantee that almost 95% of women while doing their morning routine think to themselves, "I wish that I was bald. Life would be so much easier." But in actuality they don't really intend to shave off their luscious locks of silky long hair. They would be freaked out at the fact of having their hair fall out. I know I was in this category, and I did freak out a little when I was told that my hair would fall out.

Before I found out that I had cancer I was really excited that my hair was finally starting to get long again, so that by the time I got married, it would be about as long as it was right about before I chopped it at the end of High School. (I was almost there last summer but then I got antsy and chopped it again...) But then when I found out that I was sick, that goal went out the window.

For me, losing my hair wasn't as traumatic as they depict it in the movies. It was really hard when I would pull out big chunks when I was washing or brushing my hair. I just felt self conscious all the time, and felt like I was a molting chicken. I pictured myself like one of those birds who run into a wall and all their feathers go POOF! I went through a lot of lint roller sheets to stay clean, but as soon as I moved, more hair would appear all over my clothes. So it became more of an annoyance. I chopped it way short, and then buzzed it off. It was relieving in a way to have my hair gone after that.

I was so scared that I was going to look like I was on the movie "The Witches," or that I had a crater head. I actually have a pretty nice head, like Demi Moore or Natalie Portman. They are beautiful ladies.I mean come on, not everyone can pull off the bald look, but they sure can! So I am putting myself in that category as well. I'm not going to lie, sometimes it is hard not to have hair, but I have come up a list of advantages of being bald:

1. Quick Shower.
2. Easy to clean-no greasy roots.
3. No brushing or blow drying.
4. Convenient
5. I get to change my look every day. Wig, Scarf, Hat, Bald, or Headband?
6. Ultimate cooling device during the summer.
7. I get to be a pirate every day.
8. Built in Halloween costume-Uncle Fester.
9. I look like Lord Voldemort, therefore I have magical powers and people fear and revere me.
10. I get head massages all the time.
11. It is fun to touch.
12. Hardly any shaving (it does grow back a little bit in between treatments).
13. My weight is less than if I did have hair.
14. A chance to even out my tan.
15. If buffed and shiny, I make a good mirror.
16. It is a great conversation piece/starter.
17. I get a lot of attention.
18. I get to start fresh with new hair. It might grow back in curly or maybe a different color! How sweet is that?
19. I get to look tough like Vin Diesel.
20. Everyone wishes that they could be like me.

I'm sure I could come up with more advantages of being bald, but 20 seems like enough for now. I'll keep adding to it for sure. (If you have any, let me know).

So ultimately, my wish and everyone else's wish of wanting to be bald for a easier life came true! Oh, I am a lucky girl.So while everyone in the world is combing their luscious locks and wishing that they could be bald, I buff and stroke my head, then get to enjoy the cool breeze running across my white and slightly freckled head. Who knows, maybe I'll keep shaving my head for the rest of my life because I am so darn cute. Ha, probably not, but still, it is always an option. But one thing is for sure, I ain't gonna be a bald bride. Ha, I'm excited to see what I will look like with hair again. I don't think me or anyone else will recognize me.

Life is wonderful.

It has been awhile since I last posted, but I thought I would take the opportunity to do so now. I am just going to ramble and give all the news in my head.

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

First of all, I have an announcement. A glorious announcement:

I have officially reached my halfway mark!!!!

*Insert celebratory noise and victory dance here.

I am so so so very excited. It gives me an extra boost of confidence. I have reached the top of the mountain and now I am on my way down. I pray that I will not have to do more than 12 treatments, but if I do, I will take them and they will cure me! I am most definitely a blessed young lady. How fortunate am I that I have health care, friends and family, and most importantly, a Father in Heaven who loves me and who is looking out for me.

Recent Happenings:

This last week, my brother and his family came out from Missouri and spent about a week with my family. It was so nice to see them. He and his wife came to my treatment with me and talked to me while I received my Chemo. They are amazing. I look up to them and love them very much. Seriously, I have always wanted to be like my brother ever since I was little, and his wife is the most amazing woman I have ever met. I hope that I can be like her when I get married and "when I grow up."

Not only did I get to enjoy the company of my family, I got to see Skyler! I had not seen him for about a month and a half, and let me tell you it was quite difficult. But, Skype, texting, and phone calls helped a lot during that time. He gave me so much strength and happiness. Even though I was sick, he sat with me and entertained me. I was having such a nice time that I didn't feel as sick as I usually do. It was a wonderful treatment weekend.

Learning and Growing in the Face of Adversity:

It is very annoying/frustrating/disheartening/disappointing to have to put my life on hold because of my illness, but I am trying my best to cope with it. It has been hard because so many of my friends are getting married, having babies, and doing amazing things with their lives. I admit, I have bawled like a small child when I think of how at this time I cannot have these things when they are all that I want. But then I realize that I am just wallowing. It does not help me get better to feel sorry for myself, or to be jealous of others. (It is okay to be sad at times, but not majority of your time). I tell you one thing though, one of the huge things that I am learning from this is patience. Holy smokes am I learning patience. The other day after one of my crying sessions, I decided that I am willing and ready to be patient. It is helping me to actually decide to do so instead of just hoping that I can learn it. I am willing to learn how and am going to. I am so glad and grateful to be learning this trait. It is helping me to become a better person.

Finding Comfort:

In reality, I will eventually have these things. Right now I have an opportunity to prepare more for them. In the eternal scheme of things, it is all going to be okay. I am not yet as Job. This is just a small moment in my life. I have found great comfort from Doctrine and Covenants, Section 121:7-10. This is where Joseph Smith is in Liberty Jail and cries out to God, and God answers him:

"7) My son, peace be unto thy soul,
thine adversity and thine afflictions
shall be but a small moment;
8)And then, if thou endure it well,

God shall exalt thee on high; thou
shalt triumph over all thy foes.
9)Thy friends do stand by thee,
and they shall hail thee again with
warm hearts and friendly hands.
10)Thou are not yet as Job; thy
friends do not contend against thee,
neither charge thee with transgression,
as they did with Job."

I feel like I am teaching a lesson, or giving a talk at church by including that in this post, but I feel that it is important to share this with anybody who sees fit to read this blog. God is with me, just like he was with Job and Joseph Smith. He helped them in their time of trial, and he is helping me. Sure, I have Cancer, but there are a lot more unfortunate things that could happen to me. I am going to keep having faith in my Father in Heaven and keep remembering that Christ atoned for my pains and sins. I am such a blessed person. This is just a small moment in the eternal scheme of things.

Resolution:

I am going to hold my head high, and try my best to be patient and positive-which I admit, I am not the best at at times. I refuse to let this small ailment get the better of me. There is too many wonderful things in life to enjoy, and I intend to do just that. Enjoy my life. There is no other option than that. I would be hindering my growth and development-which is something that I do not want to happen, and will try my best not to let it happen.

I cannot wait for the day when Dr. Wallentine finally says, "You are FREEEE!! You're CURED!! NO MO' CHEMO!!" He probably won't say it like that, but I imagine him to do so and dance around the room with me. Until then, I shall patiently wait.

In conclusion to my very long post, here is the poem "Invictus." It gives me strength to read it. PS: The last two lines are my favorite.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.