It is a good feeling to think that I will be done with this awful stuff. Cancer is a non lady like term, that is for sure. It is no picnic. And if it was, then it would be a miserable disgusting picnic. Sometimes I feel like it has taken everything away from me. I know that is irrational, but that is how it feels, and it is the only way I can explain it. These thoughts are only when I am "feeling sorry for myself," or when I am wallowing. But I have learned a lot from this experience and will continue to learn for the rest of my life. So really, it hasn't taken everything away. It has just been getting in my way.
Yes, my life has been put on pause. Yes, I cannot attend school in the Fall. Yes, I am away from my fiance. Yes, I am bald, and my body is not the way I want it to be. Yes, I have troubles physically and mentally now. Yes, I cannot do the things I wish I could. Yes, I am scared to death that my cancer will return later in life. And finally: Yes, I am not normal and cannot have a normal life.
There are many more yeses to add to this list, but I shall stop. It isn't solving anything to make a "Woe is Me List." All of these things break my heart and are really hard on me, and nag at me every day, I cannot lie. But that is how my life is right now. I really don't want to accept that, but I need to, and adapt to my new life.
Let's Turn This Frown... Upside Down!!
So instead of a "Woe is Me List," and taking the easy way out in this situation, I shall push through this. I will work on making a "Wow is Me List." This way I can realize all of the really truly amazing things in my life. And to tell you the truth, it really bothers me when people "wa, wa, waaa" about their life when they don't need to. But by making the "Woe is Me List" makes me a hypocrite. Which means I am indulging and not pushing myself to grow and see the great things in my life, and ultimately annoying myself. So that is my goal. I shall make a "Wow is Me List" and add to it every day. Every time I think of a woe, I will replace it with one or more wow's. This way I can truly appreciate the blessings that Heavenly Father has given me.
I think if I do this, then I will be able to recover better and to be closer to the Spirit and be able to make important decisions better. Not to mention I will be happier and more peaceful. That is something I really want in my life. So by golly, I am going to do it. It might be hard at times, and I will want to just give up and take the easy way out, but I am determined to do this and to make myself and others around me be happy.
New Goal: Woe is Me=Wow is Me
By just changing one thing in my life, or one letter in a word, will make me
and the people around me happier. It will be hard, but it will be worth it.
So bring it on world. Bring. It. On.
Tomorrow will be quite the eventful day. I really hope that I will never ever ever ever ever ever have to deal with having cancer again. I am very scared of having radiation as well, but after that is over, I will be freeeee!!! So wish me luck! I hope it all goes well and that I only get poked once, and that the Peter Pan medicine does it's job by making me more calm.
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