I'm Going To Coeur d'Alene!

Skyler is from Coeur d'Alene Idaho. Upon finding this information out, my reaction was something like "Coeur d'What?" I had never heard of this place that sounded like some special brand of french soup, or a limited edition of cheese. I halfway thought that he just made up a fake town just to mess with people. He didn't though. It does in fact exist. Soupy sounding or not.

When I asked what it was like, he told me-and I quote-that "Coeur d'Alene is the most magical place on earth. They hand out balloons on every corner and throw gold out into the street." Upon learning this, I made it a goal that I would one day go to this magical land and have gold thrown at my feet and balloons handed to me by cheery people.

This is where Coeur d'Alene is located. Up in the pan handle.

Apparently they don't grow potatoes up there.

It's Idaho! You think they would.

This goal was met back in December when I went up to visit before Christmas. It was so pretty! Much different from the Utah desert I am accustomed to that is for sure. The only thing that was missing were the balloons and gold! Maybe on this next visit I will be able to see the legendary gold throwers and gracious balloon givers.

"When will this next visit be?" you may ask. The answer is... This week baby!! We totally planned it sporadically on Sunday afternoon while Skyler's cousin's were visiting me. It was supposed to be a surprise, but I'm not very good at holding in surprises. So I spilled the beans. So far the plan is I will drive up there (11 hours... Yikes!) on Wednesday, then fly home the following Wednesday. That's right! I'm going to be up there a whooooole week!

I was really worried about flying and going through security with my port because of the metal it is made out of and if the atmospheric pressure would negatively effect my body through the port. I asked though, and they said it would be okay. What do you know? People with cancer can fly just like normal people. How cool is that? Pretty darn awesome if you ask me.

Another concern is that I thought it might set of the beeper. I was also because I sometimes wear scarves and they look like turbans... Enough said. Not a good combination. I have a solution though. I just won't wear a scarf. That way I won't get tackled by security guards if the beeper does goes off...

"kkkrrfff... Attention, calling all units! We have a bald girl setting of the alarm. We need immediate backup! kkkrrfff..."

Can't you just imagine that happening? I can. It probably won't though. But I'm okay with that.

I am so stinking excited. It will be a nice little vacation. From my PROBLEMS! Ha, if you have ever seen the movie What About Bob?, then you will know what I am referring to. If not, I suggest that you take some time and watch it. It is one of my favorites, therefore I can quote almost the entire movie. Along with Hook. I LOVE the movie Hook. The fact that I can out quote Sky to that movie is what got him to notice me in the first place! Just kidding... Well kind of. But Rachel's quirk of memorizing movie dialogue, and obsession with movies is a story for another time.

The point is, I'm going to Coeur d'Alene! I am going to see Skyler, and his wonderful family. I am going to have a jolly good time doing it as well. I know that it will give me an extra little "uoomph" for these last two treatments.

I am so excited to go up there! We already have a list of stuff we are going to. I'm also going to take my camera and take pictures. I shall post a report of pictures and an account of what we accomplished on our list.

This is a picture Coeur d'Alene. (Thank you Google images.) Doesn't it just look like the most amazing place in the world?! I believe it does. I am so excited to go!

Now that you have seen this picture, you can imagine me running all over the tree covered hill, playing in the lake, and having the time of my life.

Oh it will be a glorious day in Idaho when I come... It's going to be Coeur d'INSANE!

A dad's perspective

I allowed myself to grieve and imagine Rachel's funeral for about one half hour on the day that Becky called me from Idaho. I was so sad for about 30 minutes. After that, I dug in to exercise my own volition to be realistically positive. I understand odds. Hodkins Lymphoma has a very high recovery rate. But I understand odds and know that the probability of success over many trials never predicts success in an individual event. For the odds to be applicable to us, I would need 100 daughters diagnosed with cancer, of whom I would only lose 10 or so. Not having 100 daughters, it was clear that my one daughter might be one of the 10 lost in the collection of 100. No matter how good the odds, we could still lose. I also knew that no matter what the odds, I could shave them in my favor by several things.

1: Faith.

Faith is action based on trust in an unseen reality. I know that God is real and very attentive to our lives. I know that God hears and responds to my prayers. I know that whatever God asks is right. I knew that in my daily prayers (and the prayers of all the friends around us) I could explain our situation and ask for God to heal Rachel. I know that he would hear me. I also know that if it were His will to take her to the other side, it would be right. Knowing that He hears, understands, attends, and will only do that which is ultimately best for us, allows me to let go and be hopeful and at peace. Being hopeful and at peace is salutary in its own right and shaves the odds in my favor.

2: Empathy.

Empathy comes in many forms, not just formulaic reflective listening. Teasing in just the right tone. "Oh, yeah, cancer girl gets her way with everything. She sleeps in as long as she wants. She gets people to bring her food. Cancer's working for you, girl." is a back door way to say, "I know you are not really getting your way with the most important things and it is hard". Driving around town while Rachel cries before she can go into work and thereby making myself late for work is a back door way to say "I'm with ya kid". Singing loud in the car and making dopey jokes (In my heart, I know I'm funny) are back door ways to say "you can do things to feel happy even when everything is hurting ...and I wouldn't be so obviously dopey unless I knew that you were really hurting." Multiplying nicknames is back door empathy as well. My favorite nickname for Rachel now is "Morty" which is short for "Voldemort" or calling her "She who must not be named". Both of which are to say, I know that you don't really like being bald and I miss your honey hair, too. When we know that someone is willing to suffer with us in empathy, no matter how it is communicated, it is salutary and shaves the odds.

3. Holding as many things constant as possible.

When trials come it is helpful to localize their impact. Holding our daily family prayers, weekly family home evenings, chores, schedules and duties as usual shaves the odds by limiting the spread of the trauma. As we have always done at dinner time, asking in round robin style, "What was your happiest moment today?" emphasizes that in good times and bad, we still focus on the good and are grateful for our blessings. Consistency and gratitude shave the odds.

4. Disciplining myself to be even more patient everywhere in my life.

Indulging in any impatience works against peace and hopefulness. I often tell others that "In our family, we are patient people." I usually say this when I, or another family member is tempted to become impatient. Disciplining myself to be patient brings peace, is salutary, and shaves the odds in our favor.

5. Extending forgiveness.

Forgiveness is similar to patience. The deeper I can dig to forgive, the better. Extending forgiveness frees us of burdens that otherwise weigh our spirits down. The freedom that comes from forgiving is salutary and shaves the odds in our favor.

So, I have worked to exercise faith, empathy, consistency, patience and forgiveness. It has been work that I am willing to do. My experience at hearing Dr. Wallentine say, (and I quote) "From every way I have to look at it, the cancer is gone" was to feel a gradual, gentle release. There was no exultant jubilation or soaring joy. Just a gentle release.

Now, I know that "every way we have to look at it" is not perfect. We are limited in our assessment, it ain't over, and the odds are still in play. Even so, I have felt a gentle release of tension and worry.

Rachel has worked to exercise her faith, show empathy, be consistent, patient and forgiving as well. Our neighbor, Brad Wilson, astutely observed that Rachel is uniformly cheerful and optimistic at church, but, that as she walks home, he sees her progressively deflate as she goes along. He could tell that she is working hard and gets fatigued by it all, but keeps working at it anyway. Rachel tries to be empathetic to the other patients in the chemo room. Whether she can communicate it or not at the moment, she comes home and describes how some people in the chemo suite seem to be suffering much more than she is. They are weaker or more tired or distressed than she is and she worries about them. She has maintained as much consistency as possible. We are eternally grateful to her employer, Rick Ashcraft, for allowing her great flexibility to work as often as she can. Working for Rick has been extremely helpful in keeping her going. Having work and a duty to others have kept her looking forward and outside of herself. Rae has been patient with her own chemo brain. It is frustrating to not have all of her cognitive quickness and to be in a fog when she is accustomed to thinking very quickly, but she has been patient with herself. She has forgiven others.

Shavin' the odds, Morty!

Second Star to the Right, and Straight on til' Morning!

This was some really funny experiences that happened after my treatment, and where can you always depend on to have a funny experience? Wal-Mart!

Wal-Mart, Round 1:

After my treatment, my Mom needed to go to Wal-Mart, and I didn't want to lay in bed, so I said I would go with her. But I wasn't in the mood to walk. Then a lovely thought occurred to me. Wheelchairs! When people are sick they use wheelchairs!

I was super excited. Then I realized a magnificent thing! Instead of that, I could upgrade to a mobilized wheelchair cart! "Yes!" I thought to myself, I have always wanted to try that!" So we went. I think my mom was a little worried as to what havoc I might wreak, but also excited to see me do it as well.

I was still under the influence of my Lorazapam medicine aka, my Peter Pan medicine (I couldn't pronounce it the first time I heard it, so that is why I call it that.) Because I was under the influence of Peter Pan, I was kind of loopy. I mean really loopy. I felt great. Like there was nothing wrong with me. Just faaantastic! But to others, I must have looked like a nut job. My Mom just smiled to herself and rolled her eyes a bit. She thought I was pretty funny.

You can have this....

Or you can have this!

UPGRADE!!

I got lots of looks. I think it is because I am bald, and was riding the cart. These two usually get looks on their own, but added together and also the fact that I was super giggly and happy as can be, caused even more looks to come my way. And that is okay. I'm used to it. I will touch more on that in a later post.

My Mom kept telling me to not run into people-which I didn't, thank you very much. I came close to, but I never actually hit any human body. A dog or cat might have slipped under my wheel a time or two, there is just no way of knowing. Just kidding. I used my arm to signal where I was going. That's right, I payed attention in Drivers Ed. Coach would be so proud!

I also imagined me riding away down the aisles and having my Mom chase after me yelling, "Slow down! Slow down!" Then me knocking down the Wal-Mart displays.

That didn't happen though. I behaved. But I thought it would be really funny if it did.

Was that the end of my adventures that day? No, there was more. Much more.

Wal-Mart, Round 2:

Later that evening (while I was still loopy) we were telling my Dad and Brother about our little adventure. As we were all getting ready to get ready for bed, when my Dad whispered in my Mom's ear that he had a sweet tooth craving. I encouraged this by saying we could celebrate me having no more cancer! This seemed like a good enough excuse as any, so we decided to go to Wal-Mart yet again! As we were leaving I yelled, "I get to ride the cart again!" This getting the same response and excitement as the first time, and giving my brother the idea to do it as well, but he didn't.

When we were there all the fluorescent lights were glowing like a huge cloud. It was so crazy! Then I started feeling like I was floating. I asked my family if the lights were like that for them, When I said that to my family, they all looked at each other and my Mom suggested that we should go and get me to bed-and quickly.

My Dad and I at Wal-Mart. I almost to ran into him when I was

turning the corner. I didn't though,which is what matters most.

My brother Micah and I. Thumbs up to being able to ride the cart!

This can go on my advantage list as well.

I was so excited that the second cart had a horn! Sadly, the first one didn't.

When I sat down in the first one, the first thing I said was "Dang, no horn?!" Mom told me it was because of people like me that they disabled it.

The lovely horn button. This cart even beeped when it backed up.

Giving me a reason to back up more often.

Videos:

These are some videos we took of me on the wheelchair. Micah and I want to go back and make a music video. That is what we do for fun in Springville. Go to Wal-Mart and hang out. But this is basically a documentary, so it is okay.

I was the Queen of Wal-Mart.

(This got me even more looks, ha ha.)

I love Otter Pops. They are possibly one of the

greatest treats of all time.

This is me being a good driver and using my turn signal. Sadly, it

cuts off right before I almost hit my dad who was just around the corner.

So there it is. My little loopy adventure. Ha, after all of this, I reminded my Mom that i wasn't supposed to drive while under the influence of my Peter Pan medicine. So much for that. On telling her that, she gave a deep surprised gasp and said, *Gasp! "You're right!" It was pretty funny. I then asked her if I could use the wheelchair every time we went, and gladly she gave me permission for as long as I didn't have hair. This makes me want to keep shaving my head for the rest of my life.

Holy Cow! I've Done Ten Treatments!

So yesterday was my TENTH TREATMENT!! I can't believe that I have done ten! It only seems like five or six. But no. I have done TEN! I'm kicking cancer's butt! I have cancer, cancer doesn't have me!

So for this tenth treatment, I had to go to see Doctor Wallentine on Wednesday and get treatment on Thursday. This is because we here in Utah celebrate the 24th of July-Pioneer day-like the 4th of July. So their offices were closed on Friday, and he goes to the Gunnison clinic on Thursdays.

As I've said before, I do not particularly enjoy-I don't see who would-being poked in the port. I have started to shake and to feel really sick before I go and before the "love poke". The nurses say I am allergic to them and the chemo room.

Being the daughter of a Psychologist, I have been informed that this a conditioned response. I'm like the dogs Ivan Pavlov did an experiment on. I've linked them to websites to explain more fully. Basically, my brain has trained itself to be sick when I go to get treatment, and when I smell mints. I can't have the mints I used to help me anymore, and I have to use little kid watermelon toothpaste instead of my glorious Crest Whitening Toothpaste.

So Wednesday I got poked and got my blood drawn. I had the choice of leaving it accessed until the next day, or getting poked again. I decided to just keep my line accessed until Thursday. Let me tell ya, it was hard not to roll over on to it during the night, as I am a stomach sleeper. But I was very proud of myself that I stayed on my back and side throughout the night. Or else it would have really hurt.

My nurse missed it the first time. It really hurts when they miss because it stings all over my skin, and down my arm. Then it hurts where they push hard to find my port. Kind of like when you have a bruise and it gets bumped really hard.

Since she missed, she had to get another nurse to do it. (Thank you Breanna!) And because I went to work before my treatment, I forgot to put my numbing cream on as well. So it hurt a bit more. Good news is, I only threw up a little bit a few times, and they didn't hurt! Funny thing to be excited about, but trust me, I am grateful for only a few times. You'd be grateful too if it were you, and I am so glad that it is not. I'd rather it be me than any of you.

Doctor Wallentine even said that my cancer was basically gone, and that these last couple treatments would kill what is left of it, if there is any. He also set up an appointment for me to see a Radiology Oncologist to see if I need radiation. He thinks I will just to shrink the large masses left over. He calls it "bulky disease." (I teased him that he was calling me fat, and he just laughed and said no. I still think it was suspicious how he used that wording.)

There is nothing in the large masses, but shrinking them will make sure that there really is nothing left. So I really am getting better!

When I got my treatment, I was given fluids while they also administered the Drugs, and took a Lorazapam (which I lovingly refer to as "Peter Pan medicine,") to calm me down and help with my conditioned response. I didn't take the Fennogirn because I didn't want to get knocked out. (I don't like the feeling of not being able to control when I sleep and when I don't. This really makes me sleep. Which isn't a bad thing, it is nice just to sleep, I just don't like it.)

The fluids and Lorazapam have really helped me as well. I feel perkier, and a lot less sick. Yes Mother, I shall gladly say, "You told me so. You always know best." I was slightly refusing last time--blatantly refusing in her words-to go get fluids because I wouldn't drink. I instead forced myself to drink what seemed like my whole body weight in Gatorade.

They also give me a shot each time to help boost my white blood count called Neupogen. I usually have a high tolerance for pain, but Buttered French Fish Sticks, and Alaskan Asparagus does this shot hurt! It feels like a HUGE bee sting/stinging nettle/fire/knives spreading through your arm. I am ashamed to say that many a non-ladylike word has come to mind and might have even slipped out a time or two...

I have the option of getting it in the arm, the stomach, or even the buttocks. (Which I teased my parents that I would just moon the whole office while they gave it to me, ha ha. Don't worry, I didn't.) I usually get the shot in the arm because It has scared me to do it in the stomach. For one, I didn't want it to hurt all over my body. And two, I am self conscious of my chemo weight, and didn't want to have anyone see it. I know know why the call it a bread basket. It looks like a bread basket.

But because I was in a generally good mood, aka loopy because of the Lorazapam-I decided to get it in the stomach. It was AMAZING! I could barely feel it! I wish I would have been doing it there the whole time! (Again, Yes Mom, Cathy, and all you fine nurses, I shall gladly say "You told me so. You always know best.") I shall now get it there for now on.

So overall, I had a good treatment. The medicine worked well, and I only threw up when they poked and flushed me. It felt like the first few times that I had. I know that it is almost over, and that I will be well soon. Can I get a celebratory yell? YEEEAAHH!

Cancer Makes Me Crafty (Part 1)

So in a short while I will (hopefully) put some pictures on here to prove why cancer makes me so crafty-that will be "Part 2." I was already crafty before, hence why I picked Art as my major. But this whole thing to my brain makes me even more so. Lucky me! Plus I need projects to keep me busy.

Here are some projects I have planned on doing through this experience: (Blue=Done/Orange=Currently Working On/ Green=Currently Working on... In my head./*=Date craft accomplished)

1. Get back into quilting. (So far I have two and a half I need to work on. Three and a half if you count a kit I bought back when I worked at the Corn Wagon Quilt Shop-BEST job ever. I love, and I am slightly addicted to fabric. Working there didn't help that addiction. Or my Mother's. Or my Sister's. But I'm okay with that. And so are they.)
2. Finish and start embroidery pieces-and frame them.
3. Sew a little baby dress from a pattern my Mom got. She got me some more super cute fabric to do another one, and I am super excited to do it.
4. Learn to make cute headbands.*10/18/2010
5. Humanitarian coloring books. *8/23/10
6. Make cards. Thank you Mom, Natalie, Jenna, and Tammy! I'm also going to try to make some blank ones for the chemo room's basket.
7. Make a little photo scrapbook. *10/27/10
8. A birthday gift for my sister. Surprise Jebs! I can't say freely as to what it is, because she reads my blog. So whoever and her will just have to wait and find out. Just wait Jenna. Just. You. Wait. It'll be good. *7/27/10
9. Make fleece blankets for the chemo room. It is cold in there, and then the medicine makes you even colder. (I am now more in favor of all those service projects we did for Mutual, Youth Conference and EFY, than I used to be.) *10/14/2010
10. Make Magnets with my Mom. *7/23/10

Now I am accountable before myself, the "whole blogging community"-reader or fellow blogger, and everyone else, that I will try my best to work on and all of these projects. When I have completed and gotten ahead in some of them, I will post pictures of my crafty cancerous success. I'm really looking forward to that! It'll be really cool when I can make all of those blue. Woo hoo!

The Best Things Come In Twos

The Best things come in twos. For Example:

1. Shoes. Oh how I love a brand new pair of shoes. Sky and I are in trouble that is for sure, because he loves shoes almost or as much as I do. We both have a plethora of shoes we need to purge before we tie the knot.
2. Lemon and Lime.
3. Hamburgers and hot dogs- I'm a big fan of these. Add a corn dog in there? I'm sold. But this is a list of twos, not threes.
4. Hugs and kisses-I sure do like those. (And I'm sure everyone else does as well. Oh ho ho, Caught ya!)
5. Soup and sandwich-IE: tomato, cream of chicken, with grilled cheese. Ooh yeah.
6. Boys and Girls.
7. Ladies and Gentlemen-AKA, Rachel and Skyler!
8. Best Friends-Camille and Rachel, Rachel and Rachelle. (We are basically one person, so this counts as two not as three.)
9. Doctor Wallentine and Rachel. We are like this--II--Imagine those are fingers, and he is the taller one.
10. Smee and Captain James Hook.
11. BYU Idaho and shorts. Ha, I wish.
12. Otter pops and dots.
13. Skittles and Popcorn. Don't knock it until you try it! It's like a flavor party on your tongue!
14. Music and Dancing.
15. Music and Singing in the car. (It must be loud though, or else it doesn't bring as much joy to your heart. Just ask my Dad! He is that happiest guy I know, and he sings and dances in the car with loud music all the time. With gusto. I like to think that is where my talent comes from.)
16. Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avenlea. (Not so much a fan of the third. Hence it's placement on the two list.)
17. Fuzz on my little bald head.
18. Rachel and Movies
19. Harry and Ron-Again, note to my "Potter Geek" complex.
20. Ron and Hermione- P.G. Complex. Don't think I'm dorky, just join the party already.
21. Dorks and Nerds. Or, a Dorkalpagus and a Nerdling. (A big dork, and a big nerd.)

I could go on and on, but that would put this post in danger of becoming extremely long like all my other ones. But the thing I think is the most important thing that comes in twos is..

TWO MORE TREATMENTS

LEFT TO GO!!!

I would highly enjoy it if you celebrated with me. In order to celebrate fully, here are your instructions:

1. Sing the "Woo, ooo, woo, ooo, ooo, woo, ooo, woo, ooo, ooo" jingle from the Vonage commercials.
2. Voice and dance Tigger's "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" sound and jumping on his tail. (You could do that as well, but I think it might hurt your rump.) Yes, I was a Pooh Bear kid. Nothing wrong with that. Hopefully my children will be too.
3. Dance the Carlton dance from Fresh Prince here. Or some celebratory dance of your choice that involves kicking up your legs and snapping your fingers. I accept river dance hops as well.
4. One big jump for joy.
5. Comment on this blog post with a celebratory thing for me to do, and by golly, I will do it.
6. Comment on this blog post telling me you did these things. This will make me exceptionally happy.
7. Sing at the top of your lungs, "The hills are alive with the sound of music." Except in this case, it is "Rachel's body, is free/being freed of Cancer..."

Okay, okay. You don't actually have to to all of this, but if you would imagine yourself doing them, then I shall be satisfied.

You have no idea how much of a stress relief, joy, blessing, and relief it is to know that. I finally feel like I am over this huge hump and sliding down a cancer free water slide. Oh I am feeling so happy.

TWO LEFT BABY!! And I'm feeling good.

Recent Photographs

This post is just full of recent pictures. Most are from the photography class I took recently. The others I took on my computer with my adorable nephew Bryce.

My friend Josie from school sent me some flowers!

She is the cutest girl you will meet. She is also from Canada.

Which gives me even more reasons to adore that country.

I have been taking a photography class so that I can be kind of familiar with it when I take the classes up at BYU Idaho. I know that they are not amazingly fantastic, but I am relatively pleased with how they turned out, and I think I got steadily better each with each lesson. It made me really excited for the classes I'll take at school, and the chance to get better.

We went out to this cool farm for my class, and this on the

side of one of the sheds. It was so neat.

My studly little brother. He was quite cooperative as a model.

Thanks Spud!

I repeat. He was very cooperative. This was on main street and he was

a bit embarrassed because all the cars passing by could see him.

The Baboo. Isn't he just the cutest little bug? The answer is yes.

Dearest Bethany shining in all her newly married glory.

These last few shots are of the instructors niece and friend who came to model for my class. I hope it is okay that I put their pictures on my blog. But I figured if they came to my class to be photographed, then they won't mind that I show the pictures that I took. Plus I didn't sign anything that said I wouldn't display my work, so I think it is okay.

So there you have it. Just some recent pictures that have found their way to my photo library. I am really hoping that I can get better at taking pictures, and one day be a world famous photographer and have everyone wanting to hire me to take pictures. Ha, probably not, but I still would like to get better at it.

Oh, and don't I look oh so cute with my little bald head? I think I'm pretty cute if I do say so myself. Yes sir, I am a mighty fine looking bald girl.

Dearest Mumsie and Popsicle

I would just like to say that I am so grateful to my parents for all that they do for me. Not just because they are taking care of me while I am sick, but because of everything else they have done and do for me now. I mean, they raised me to be the amazing person I am today! That means that they are incredibly amazing themselves.

They are so loving, caring, understanding, patient, and a whole lot more complimentary adjectives that don't give them the proper justice they deserve. I would not be the person I am today without them. I love them so very much. They have done so much for me, and I am so very grateful to them. I know that they were put as my parents for a reason, and I am so very glad they were. Thanks Mom and Dad! I love you!

My lovely parents. Now you can see why I am so good looking.
I don't know how I could get through this without them.

Answer! I couldn't.

Canceritis and Inspiration

If you have ever heard the term "Senioritis," then you will know that it is a serious condition in which seniors in high school get particularly antsy, sick of school, moody, and just want to give up and not do anything right around the last little bit of their high school career. I have a similar condition. But instead of it being Senioritis, I have Canceritis.

It has come down to me having three more treatments, and I'm about as antsy as piece of fallen food near an ant hill. I am just plain ready to be done with all of this. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am a bit moody. My moods are like a roller-coaster. Every other minute is like a different twist or turn. My poor parents... They put up with me so well. "Thanks Mom! Thanks Dad!"

This antsiness gives way to feelings of annoyance, frustration, and impatience. All of these words I wish didn't apply to me but they do. And that makes me even more annoyed. So as I was laying in my bed being annoyed and antsy, I remembered something that made me feel better about my situation.

My dear friend had cancer as a child and I had the opportunity to visit with his lovely mother. She heard that I had been diagnosed with cancer and wanted to share with me their experience. With her she brought a letter that he had written to me. He is on his mission, or else he would have come as well. It was such a nice experience to read the letter. In it he told me he knew he was thinking of me and knew how I was feeling. Then he went on to say the part that was so comforting to me:

"The path ahead is not an easy one but from it you will gain an experience of a lifetime. I don't know how ready I would be to deal with cancer again but I wouldn't trade the memories, both good and bad, for anything in the world. Rachel, although you may not see it now, through your experience you will be given a unique perspective of life and will grow in so many ways."

This may not have the same effect on you that it does on me, but I still think that it is something to share. Having him tell me those things was so comforting. After reading it again tonight, almost all of my anxiety has gone away. I know that is going to be okay.

His cancer was much worse than mine, and he had to go through a lot more treatment than I will have to. Despite all that, he came out on top. You would never know by looking at him that he had been sick.

Being on this side of cancer and looking at him, gives me such great hope that everything will be okay. I can be like him after this is over and have the same outlook on life. I can't wait to be on the same side of cancer as him. I hope I can be as strong as he is. He is a such an inspiration to me.

So even though I have a severe case Canceritis, I am going to keep pushing through until it is over. I only have three left. It is going to be hard, but I can do it. I can be like him. I'm going to beat this, and hopefully become as great a person as he his.

Thank you my dear friend!

Chemo Brain- Yes, another long post...

So I thought it would be appropriate for me to explain something that has been very prominent in my life. I want to explain it so that people can understand and see a little glimpse of what I am going through.

Lately I have been frustrated with the fact that I have Chemo Brain up the wazoo. It is ridiculous. I promise that it's a real thing. Click here and you shall see that the American Cancer Society says it is, so you know that I am not just making it up. (I belong to the society now, as in that I am American, and I have cancer. It is like a club. Just kidding.)

What is Chemo Brain you may ask? Well I shall tell you.

(I copied and pasted these from the linked website above, then you shall see that I added my own little side note description as well-hence the italics. It's amazing how truly accurate the list is.)

The effects of Chemo Brain are as follows:

• Forgetting things that they usually have no trouble recalling -- memory lapses. I will be talking and then all of the sudden, everything applying to that subject or relating to it goes away. It's almost like my mind is like a key in the ignition, but the engine won't turn over.
• Trouble concentrating -- they can't focus on what they're doing. It is a huuuge mental struggle to focus on even little things.
• Trouble remembering details like names, dates, and sometimes larger events. It is like when people say, "Oh it's on the tip of my tongue..." You know it, and you know you know it, but instead of having it eventually come to the tip of your tongue and burst out of your mouth, it just stays at the back of your throat teasing you and frustrating the crap out of you.
• Trouble multi-tasking, like answering the phone while cooking, without losing track of one of them -- less ability to do more than one thing at a time. Because of the huge mental effort to do one little thing it is hard to do another hard little thing at the same time. This is super frustrating because I am usually quite a good multi-tasker.
• Taking longer to finish things -- slower thinking and processing.This is really hard to deal with at work.
• Trouble remembering common words -- can't finish a sentence because you can't find the right words. *Insert "der, der, der" noise here.

Imagine all of these symptoms happening to you. All day, every day, every hour, and every minute. Then add to that the fact that you are sick, stressed, tired, trying to live a normal life, engaged, working, bald, lonely, hungry all the time but can't eat because things taste nasty, an over thinking worry wart, and a whole lot of other stuff going on in your already exhausted mind.

(Holy snot, I sound like a really bad health infomercial. "If you have these symptoms, please call this number. We can help you in your struggle against chemo brain.") Are you imagining it? Well are you? Good, that's better. Now that you have imagined it and have gotten in the mindset, you have a slight glimpse of what it is like up there in my mind. A bit exhausting and frustrating.

It is like I have to make a huge mental effort for every thought I have. I feel like a mentally disabled person. (I have actually never been one myself, but this is what I imagine they feel like.) I am actually an intelligent person. (Yes, extremely goofy people can be intelligent.) I get frustrated that I cannot convey that I really am smart.

I also can't keep up with conversations. My conversations have become short and sweet in that I just say small non-detailed things when I talk to people to avoid feeling lame. (But then after I think that the person I am talking to thinks I am uninteresting.... Wrong! I am quite the interesting person.) This whole mental fogginess makes me feel so stupid and self conscious. I guess I should not really care about what the person I am talking to is thinking about me, but I do...

Since I am such a Harry Potter geek, I shall tell you that having Chemo Brain makes me feel like I am the character Luna, often times called "Loony" Lovegood. If you have read the books, you know what I am talking about. If you have not, shame on you. Just seeing the movies doesn't help you fully grasp the amazing luster of J.K. Rowling's imagination. But it is okay. I forgive you of your lack of Harry Potter knowledge.

To help you out a bit I shall tell you that Luna is this really odd girl that is almost "air head" like and just off in her own world. No one really understands her. She is just perceived as a crazy girl. She is really smart though. Being in Ravenclaw and all-that is the smart house she is in- but she is just a little off. So that is kind of how I feel. Miss. Loony Ann Fischer at your service!

I could go on, and on about how my mind is all screebobbled, but I don't want to- ah I'm having a chemo brain moment right now.... What is the word? What is the word?!..... Drag on? Rant? Ramble? That is the word! Ramble!-I don't want to ramble on on and on saying "Oh no, woe is me, my brain is broke! All the kings horses, and all the kings men, couldn't put Rachel together again." Plus, I'll feel like I am complaining about it and being snotty if I do. So I won't. I just hope that this post gave a little glimpse of how my brain is right now.

Ha, I'll probably keep on saying "Sorry, chemo brain" when I stumble upon a brain fart after I am all better. You guys will too after you have read this and have read the symptoms and listened to my bad health infomercial. You will self diagnose yourself with it. I just know it.

PET Scan Results

As I said earlier, I got my PET scan, and I received the results of the scan yesterday at my doctor's appointment. It wasn't my usual doctor, it was another one. (Doctor Wallentine was off at scout camp, so I got Doctor Smith.) He looked like a cross between Professor Dumbledore and Bert from Mary Poppins. He even had a bow tie. He was very nice-I don't see how you couldn't be if you are wearing a bow tie. I think we should all try it sometime. He told me that the cancer is gone, or almost gone. There are only a few tiny spots left that will go away within the next treatments. There is a slight chance that I will have to receive radiation though. The good news is, that I will only have to have the three more treatments and no more than that!! I am almost done! It still has not completely hit me that I am almost done, but it will shortly. I am still kind of out of it from my treatment yesterday.

I was so scared to go in yesterday, I was fine up until the moment that I had to go into the office. I sat there with Jenna and it seemed like it took forever for the nurse to come call my name to get my blood drawn (this is making me sick to even write about this, but I shall continue.) but at the same time I didn't want her to. She finally did and I went and picked a seat. I started shaking really bad because I was so nervous and the anticipation was killing me. I got super sick again when they flushed me, but luckily I had a barf bag on hand. After that, we went back into the doctor's office to wait and wait we did. It took him a long time to come, but when he did it was all good news. I'm so glad I had Jenna there with me to write down all the notes and to actually help me understand what he was saying. I didn't know this, but Jenna had brought those little party blowers, and after we were done talking to the doctor she pulled them out and we celebrated. It was cute. I love my sister. Have I ever mentioned that? Because I do. Very dearly.

Then we went back into the chemo room to get my treatment, and I got sick again. But what is great is that they have a little thing called Fenogrin. Oh that is a life saver. It took away the nausea, and I fell asleep-not to mention a little loopy. It knocked me out good. I slept through my treatment, and when I got home, I was out.

Today I have been really out of it as well. Just sick, and very sleepy. This cancer thing really takes toll on my body. But at least the medicine is working! I am very happy to hear that. I went to my dear friend Melissa's reception this evening, and it was so beautiful. She was a lovely bride. She was one of the very first friends I made when I moved to Springville. I have grown up with her and I am so glad to see that my childhood friend is happy with her new husband. I am so excited to get married next year and to be sealed to Skyler. I am so close!! (See it is starting to hit me more, I'm almost done!)

I am so blessed to live in a time where modern medicine can help me and others like me become well. I am so blessed to have the gospel in my life so that I might know that I can live with my family after this life and become like God. I am so very, completely and utterly blessed. I can't even explain it. I am so grateful for this time that I can get better and learn and grow. I can't believe this is almost over. I am going to need my Father in Heaven more than ever for these last few rounds. I know he is there and that he is going to help me. All I have to do is go to him and rely on him and his love. I know that he loves me. He will not abandon me. Even when all seems lost, he is there. I am never alone. All is well.

Another Recent Happening...

I forgot to say another thing that happened. A very exciting, yet hard thing.

My roommate Bethany got married and I got to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. My other roommate Camille came out from Texas to be a bridesmaid as well and we got to hang out. It was really fun and also a little hard. I felt really self-conscious with my chemo weight, how I look, and my wig. I was also a bit envious of her, and excited for her at the same time.

I only had one little break down though where I only cried for like 30 seconds. After that I was better. It was good to have Camille there with me. She calmed me down and understood how I was feeling.

Despite the hard part, it was good to support Bethany. I saw her today, and she is so happy and peaceful. It was good to see her. We decided that when Sky and I get married that we are going to go on double dates and go to the temple together as couples. It will be way fun.

I am really proud of myself for pushing through such a hard thing and having a really good time. It really gave me something to look forward to and I am excited to plan my own wedding. As I was going through this, I heard my dad's voice in my head saying what he always would say to me when I was younger, "We can do hard things." Now I know I really can do hard things. I mean I have cancer! That is super hard. But I can do this. It is okay. I can still enjoy life, and support my friends and look forward to the exciting things that are yet to come.

Here are some pictures from her wedding. Yes, I am a bit goofy in some of them, but then, when am I not a little goofy?

Me and Camdizzle Bridesmaiding it up

Me and Camille. Her eyes are ridiculously blue, and her

lashes are like an inch long. No joke. She is beautiful!!

I totally messed up the picture... I thought we

were doing a goofy shot. But it is cute.

Me and Bethany! She was so beautiful!!

Waiting for Bethany outside of the temple. We are so cute.

My wig looked quite nice if I do say so myself.

Recent Happenings...

It has been a while since I last posted so I thought I would do a little update and get my thoughts out there. A lot of things have happened since my last post, such as I got another treatment, I saw Skyler, and I got my PET Scan!!

My treatments have steadily gotten a little worse each time with the reactions I get. Remember when I said that when I get the flush for my drugs I get a bad smell in my mouth? Well this time I actually got physically sick. Twice. It was not enjoyable. But I got some good nausea medicine so it was okay. It knocked me out reeeaal good. I slept and slept and slept.

After I was feeling better from my treatment, I went up to Rexburg. And why did I go on this little escapade? I went to go talk in Skyler's Marriage Prep class. It was so much fun to go up there and talk to them about our experience as a couple and to actually be back in the 'burg. His teacher even took our slide show I made and talked about us in the next class. Some people came up to us and said that we were so great and that they loved us. We were celebrities for a day. It was a great feeling. Plus, I got to see Skyler!! Oh it was great. I had a lot of fun hanging out with him and being in Rexburg when it wasn't below zero. People actually go outside and enjoy themselves there! Who would've known?! I even balded it up while I was there. I figure, I don't have anything to hide or be ashamed of, so why should I put on a scarf or a hat? The answer is, I shouldn't. So I embraced my bald little head and enjoyed the nice cool breeze. It was really fun to hang out in Rexburg and see all my friends who are up there right now.

One thing that was bad, was that I have really bad chemo brain right now, so I can't really think clearly and things come slower to me. I feel kind of stupid a lot of the time, but I am working hard on my brain activity. Despite my chemo brain, I did well in Sky's class.

After Rexburg, me and Skyler came down for the Fourth of July, and a nice little weekend. It was really fun to hang out with him. We hung out with Kyle and Lindsey and saw Toy Story 3. It was so stinking cute, and we had a lot of fun with them. Here are some pictures I took of Sky while he was here. I am taking a photography class, so he was my homework for the week.

Hubba, hubba, future hubby.

See how much fun we were having?

Oooh yeah. He is super cute.

So had a great time with Sky. It was hard to have him leave to go back to Rexburg, but I am planning on going up to see him in Coeur d'Alene soon so it will be okay. It was just good to see him and to be able to spend time with him. It really boosted my energy and confidence that everything is going to be all okay very soon.

I spent time with my sister Jenna this week while my parents have been out of town. It was really nice to do that because she is moving away to New York soon with her husband for medical school. Curse you Brett and your smart brain! I am actually really excited for them even though they will be super far away. But they will enjoy being out there. But we went to Brett's families house to set off fireworks and it was a lot of fun.

One of the fireworks for the Fourth of July.

I was super excited because I figured out how to work

my camera for my class and to get a good picture.

Now for some exciting medical news. I got finally got my PET scan. I was really nervous to go because the last one they had trouble with the IV, but this time the technician got it in the first time and was really nice. He warned me when the Saline flush so I could plug my nose. I also didn't get too sick when I had to drink the contrast that mixes with the radioactive stuff that they put into the IV. I stayed really still while they sent me through the scanner. The tech said since I did that, the images will be really clear for the radiologist.

Now that I have had my scan, now all I have to do is just hope and pray that the results are good. I have a good feeling, but I am also preparing myself for if the doctor says that I have to have more chemo or that I have to have radiation. Tomorrow really is the deciding day... It is really nerve-racking to think about because it could change my life as it is now. I could actually start making plans for my wedding and prepare to go back to school and do other things in my life. But if not, then I shall just go forward with faith and continue my routine. But if all goes well tomorrow, then I will only have three more treatments!! So prayers and faith are greatly appreciated at this time. (Hint, hint.)

I have faith that everything will be okay no matter the results. I am truly blessed. I feel my testimony growing, and I feel like I am progressing even though I have cancer and I can't do everything I wish I could. I am developing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I am becoming a better person and maturing. I look back on how I was before this and I feel like I have grown so much in such a short amount of time. I really am grateful to God for providing me a time to do so. I know that this is for my good and I can't wait to be able to become a even better person after this. Wish me luck!!!