Chemo Brain- Yes, another long post...

So I thought it would be appropriate for me to explain something that has been very prominent in my life. I want to explain it so that people can understand and see a little glimpse of what I am going through.

Lately I have been frustrated with the fact that I have Chemo Brain up the wazoo. It is ridiculous. I promise that it's a real thing. Click here and you shall see that the American Cancer Society says it is, so you know that I am not just making it up. (I belong to the society now, as in that I am American, and I have cancer. It is like a club. Just kidding.)

What is Chemo Brain you may ask? Well I shall tell you.

(I copied and pasted these from the linked website above, then you shall see that I added my own little side note description as well-hence the italics. It's amazing how truly accurate the list is.)

The effects of Chemo Brain are as follows:

• Forgetting things that they usually have no trouble recalling -- memory lapses. I will be talking and then all of the sudden, everything applying to that subject or relating to it goes away. It's almost like my mind is like a key in the ignition, but the engine won't turn over.
• Trouble concentrating -- they can't focus on what they're doing. It is a huuuge mental struggle to focus on even little things.
• Trouble remembering details like names, dates, and sometimes larger events. It is like when people say, "Oh it's on the tip of my tongue..." You know it, and you know you know it, but instead of having it eventually come to the tip of your tongue and burst out of your mouth, it just stays at the back of your throat teasing you and frustrating the crap out of you.
• Trouble multi-tasking, like answering the phone while cooking, without losing track of one of them -- less ability to do more than one thing at a time. Because of the huge mental effort to do one little thing it is hard to do another hard little thing at the same time. This is super frustrating because I am usually quite a good multi-tasker.
• Taking longer to finish things -- slower thinking and processing.This is really hard to deal with at work.
• Trouble remembering common words -- can't finish a sentence because you can't find the right words. *Insert "der, der, der" noise here.

Imagine all of these symptoms happening to you. All day, every day, every hour, and every minute. Then add to that the fact that you are sick, stressed, tired, trying to live a normal life, engaged, working, bald, lonely, hungry all the time but can't eat because things taste nasty, an over thinking worry wart, and a whole lot of other stuff going on in your already exhausted mind.

(Holy snot, I sound like a really bad health infomercial. "If you have these symptoms, please call this number. We can help you in your struggle against chemo brain.") Are you imagining it? Well are you? Good, that's better. Now that you have imagined it and have gotten in the mindset, you have a slight glimpse of what it is like up there in my mind. A bit exhausting and frustrating.

It is like I have to make a huge mental effort for every thought I have. I feel like a mentally disabled person. (I have actually never been one myself, but this is what I imagine they feel like.) I am actually an intelligent person. (Yes, extremely goofy people can be intelligent.) I get frustrated that I cannot convey that I really am smart.

I also can't keep up with conversations. My conversations have become short and sweet in that I just say small non-detailed things when I talk to people to avoid feeling lame. (But then after I think that the person I am talking to thinks I am uninteresting.... Wrong! I am quite the interesting person.) This whole mental fogginess makes me feel so stupid and self conscious. I guess I should not really care about what the person I am talking to is thinking about me, but I do...

Since I am such a Harry Potter geek, I shall tell you that having Chemo Brain makes me feel like I am the character Luna, often times called "Loony" Lovegood. If you have read the books, you know what I am talking about. If you have not, shame on you. Just seeing the movies doesn't help you fully grasp the amazing luster of J.K. Rowling's imagination. But it is okay. I forgive you of your lack of Harry Potter knowledge.

To help you out a bit I shall tell you that Luna is this really odd girl that is almost "air head" like and just off in her own world. No one really understands her. She is just perceived as a crazy girl. She is really smart though. Being in Ravenclaw and all-that is the smart house she is in- but she is just a little off. So that is kind of how I feel. Miss. Loony Ann Fischer at your service!

I could go on, and on about how my mind is all screebobbled, but I don't want to- ah I'm having a chemo brain moment right now.... What is the word? What is the word?!..... Drag on? Rant? Ramble? That is the word! Ramble!-I don't want to ramble on on and on saying "Oh no, woe is me, my brain is broke! All the kings horses, and all the kings men, couldn't put Rachel together again." Plus, I'll feel like I am complaining about it and being snotty if I do. So I won't. I just hope that this post gave a little glimpse of how my brain is right now.

Ha, I'll probably keep on saying "Sorry, chemo brain" when I stumble upon a brain fart after I am all better. You guys will too after you have read this and have read the symptoms and listened to my bad health infomercial. You will self diagnose yourself with it. I just know it.